Hola

Espana

Just back from five nights in Spain, whoop.

Timmy and I totally love Spain and have already visited quite a lot of it, although we still have more to explore.

Regular blog readers will know we wanted to go somewhere where we've been before so there was no pressure to 'do' anything.

We are not really beach holiday people, we always like to discover new places, foods, art, music, architecture, scenery, history etc, and we'd already done that in Alicante so we headed back there to, this time, simply enjoy its food, drink, sun offerings (including its beach!!).

Ciao

Scorchio

Chillin'

Yum

Cheers

Hot

An interesting read

Made it up the hill

Nuts

Chin chin

Churros con chocolade

During our time there, we walked, a LOT, and I was really pleased that I was able to do it as at the start of the year I couldn't walk to the top of the road, but I think that, coupled with carrying a small bag every day, meant that my back/sides has/have really started aching again. The plane probably didn't help either (although we did have three seats to ourselves there and back, boom).

Turning over in bed was really painful in my left side, halfway down my back, and I was getting a lot of aching (although white wine seemed to assist!).

This, however, did not deter me from having a good time and, as I said to Tim, I think I would rather suffer with some pain than have my spine cemented, but we'll see how we go with that one.....

Panic stations

The other thing that only happened in a really minor way was anxiety and panic.

I've suffered with anxiety and attacks my whole life, my earliest recollection of being out in a pub restaurant with my parents and brother and not able to eat anything, all stemming from a fear of being sick or having diarrhoea, mainly in public.

This came to a head when, at 21 and home from University, mum came into my room to find me trembling yet again and suggested I might need some help.  Little did I realise that there was something really wrong with me.

I have been having counselling on and off for the last twenty years, including cognitive behavourial therapy (aka CBT).  While it's always helped, it's never 'cured' me and I know now that I will always be living with anxiety and panic.  However, on this holiday it didn't take over me like it often does when I'm away.

I'm usually thinking, 'will this plane be so turbulent that I throw up?' 'what will happen if someone is sick near me?', 'when is there next going to be a toilet available?', 'will this food/restaurant make me ill?', 'will the heat make me feel sick?' etc etc.... You see the pattern!

However, this time it threatened to rear its head on a couple of occasions, once after we'd had a lot of red wine the night before which had given me the alcoplops and also a bit of woozy head, and the other after eating some fish.  But, do you know what I actually said to myself: 'Kate, you're dying'. Crikey - that's a bit of a statement, but it did really help me.  It's a bit severe I know, but I just felt really fortunate that I was in the position of being able to go on holiday.

On one particular occasion, while I was sitting by the sea, I thought about Lisa Lynch, the amazing author of a blog which I read a lot when I was first going through cancer called Alright Tit.  She was about three months ahead of me in terms of diagnosis and so I would read her blog to find out what was 'coming up' for me and to help me know what to expect.  We even had some email correspondence when I wrote to tell her how useful I had found her writing.

You will know Lisa if you watched the amazing 'C-Word' on BBC1 featuring Sheridan Smith (who Lisa asked to play her). Sadly, there is no happy ending as Lisa passed away over three years ago.  It rocked me when I found out her breast cancer had come back and was incurable and, at the time, felt incredibly lucky not to be in that position.

Sadly, I am now in that position, but as I sat on that rock, I was so grateful that I was still alive and still able to look at the sea and beautiful calming views, but felt sorry that Lisa is no longer able to.

The view from the rock, thinking about Lisa

Rio

While Timmy and I were in Spain I know that Rio Ferdinand's documentary 'Being mum and dad' was aired, following him as he comes to terms with grieving the loss of his wife to secondary breast cancer and raises their children in her absence.  I want to watch it, but I'm scared.... I know it will upset me immensely as it has already made me think about how those around me will feel when anything happens to me, but I feel a need to see it.

Too much thinking

Recently I heard some wonderful news about a young breast cancer survivor who is now pregnant. I'm so chuffed for her.  However, I won't lie and say that, deep down, it didn't affect me.  Also, I feel pained that I will never be able to say, 'I've survived 10 years post-cancer' like when we celebrated at the first Snow Ball when Suze had her amazing milestone (and was one of the main reasons we hosted the SnowBall in the first place)...that is no longer an option for me and it's total cack, but, come on Kate, pull it together....

Celebrate good times, come on...

Today, Timmy and I celebrate six years of marriage, our 'sugar' anniversary. The weather is exactly how it was on that day, bright and sunny with some white clouds, and daffodils surrounding us.

Yippee

Me, flowers, Tim, beer - nice

The parents

Our beautiful bridesmaid

What have we done today? Spent time with our amazing friends eating sausage sarnies and walking in the Countryside Centre, done the holiday washing (er, not so rock and roll) and weeded the garden, so tonight, feel free to raise a glass to me and, as we all know, the legend that is Timmy B. Cheers.

Until next time......