How to answer a question

How are you?

The simplest of questions, but now filled with all sorts of complications.

It's one of those questions that we ask, and probably answer, without normally thinking about it, it's just a natural part of conversation when you greet someone.  But, what on earth do I say now?

To people I know in passing e.g. one of the delivery men at work - 'I'm really good thanks, are you?'

To people I don't know that well. - 'I'm good thanks, are you?'

To people I know quite well - 'yeah, not too bad thanks' or 'my back's hurting a bit' or 'alright thanks'

To people who know me inside out.... well, this can span from 'loving life' to 'actually not too bad given the circumstances' to 'fucking shit if I'm being honest with you'....  hmm.

Where there's a will, there's a way....

Or more a case of, there needs to be a will.  I still haven't made one and it is playing on my mind.  I want to get it sorted so it's just something I don't need to think about again.

I'm not sure if I told you but when I met with a financial adviser to talk about pensions, the earliest time I can draw on those is 55!!  I have therefore decided to stop investing in a pension!  I've already got a fair whack in my various pension schemes and as I'm unlikely to be able to benefit from it, then I would rather have the money now and spend it on me, family and friends.

As mum has been giving me a lift to work recently (as dad is working) we've had all sorts of conversations you don't expect to have with your mum when you're 40, mainly consisting of what I want at my funeral!  Fun topics.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside

For the early May bank holiday we spent Friday night having dinner (and far too much prosecco) with some amazing friends of ours, the Crowes (along with Susie and Chris), and then for the next two nights we were in Swanage....we had such a wonderful time, courtesy of my fellow calendar girl, Jacquie, who has a place down there and let us stay in it for a couple of nights.  We literally did everything 'seasidey' - we played crazy golf, skimmed stones in the sea, had fish and chips on the prom, sat on the pier, it was wonderful.  We also spent a day walking (in the rain) in the Studland area visiting Old Harry Rocks and, in glorious sunshine on bank holiday Monday went to Lulworth Cove and the stunning Durdle Door.  The UK is so unbelievably beautiful.  There's still so much of it I want to explore.

Just arrived, straight to the beach for stone skimming

Calming

Hola

Hole in one?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

Old Harry

On the pier

F&C

Durdle Door

Beautiful

There was one poignant moment when we were on the cliff tops and a family were scattering some ashes (or getting covered in them as it was quite windy!!).  I had a little tear to myself at this as I know I want to be scattered in the countryside and not put in the ground somewhere.

A pain in the back

A couple of week's ago I got in touch with my oncologist as my back is really starting to play up again.  It's a weird feeling - I can only describe it as a sharp ache that feels hot with pins and needles, but it means it can be really uncomfortable.  He therefore brought my appointment forward and Timmy and I headed to the hospital at the end of last week.

I am now back on the codeine (er, and the senakot as I don't want a repeat of the gloved finger!) and he referred me for an MRI scan to see what's what and another CT scan.  He's also referring me up to the Royal Orthopeadic hospital in B'ham as I'm likely to require vertoplasty where they inject my spine and fill it with cement.  Now doesn't that sound delightful?!

Dr P thinks that it is a pinched nerve (I hope it's that and nothing more serious! gulp) but obviously wants to run the scans to see what's going on!!

Timmy was worried about me as we headed to the hospital and I'm worried he's dealing with it alone as the 'partner'.  It's so hard.

Another first at 40

I made sorbet.... mango sorbet... It was amazing (even if I do say so myself).  This was consumed along with a beautifully made thai meal by Susie, with our fellas and our ace friends Jim and Corinna, last Friday.  Again prosecco-tastic times.  We had such a laugh.  After my comment at the end of the my last blog we have all been falling about laughing about JCB grease...I'm gonna leave that there and not exaggerate any further!  Sooooo funny.

In other news, I can't believe I will be 41 soon....this time last year I was busy arranging my fab 40th birthday party.  Time flies when you've got incurable cancer!!!!

Tea for two

This Saturday saw the launch of afternoon tea at Primo in Worcester and to mark the occasion they put on a tea where 10% of the proceeds were for the Breast Unit.  They are then donating £1 from every afternoon tea they sell until the end of the year.  Ace.

Susie and I had a wonderful time.  The tea was lovely and the prosecco even more so!  They had a fab duo playing acoustic guitar and singing to accompany the afternoon and they were amazing.  I was so fortunate to have two of my awesome Uni friends up for the tea (all the way from Reading and just south of Manchester), we had a great laugh.

Susie and I gave a little speech at the beginning.  I stated the speech off but then faltered and started welling up so Suze had to take over.  We are the dream team.

Cheese

Mez, me, Angy (together since 1994)

Just one or two....

Yum

How is that even possible?

Today (Monday) I was called to go for my MRI scan.  They called when I was at work and wanted to know if I could go in for 3pm.  Now that's quick work.... Mum came to pick me up and we headed over there.  I started to get really nervous when we were there and had a couple of trips to the toilet... so glamorous!!

I got into the machine just after 3.30pm and while I had a slight panic attack for the first 10 mins or so (as I was worried I was going to be sick), I then proceeded to fall asleep on the machine!  Now, anyone who's had an MRI will know how bloody loud they are, so how on earth I did that I don't know!  However, I was conscious that every time I dropped off, I jolted awake and I was supposed to be still! Oops.

Rocco

But the main news is that yesterday (Sunday), Tim and I finally ventured over to the Dog's Trust centre in Evesham.  We've been talking about having a dog for a couple of years and I've finally given in!!

When we got to the centre we had to fill in a form with our details and things like whether children visited our home and how long we were out of the house etc.  Then we were allowed to go through to see all the dogs currently up for adoption.

As soon as we walked through the doors, I burst into tears.  I had a lot of emotions going on.  There was sadness that the dogs had been abandoned and were 'up for adoption', then there was the symbolic nature of us having a dog.  It's not a child substitute in any way, but it will be nice to have something else to focus on and something to fuss over and also to keep us company in our dark days, both Tim and I, and it's quite possible that the dog will outlive me so for Timmy to have a companion will mean so much to him.

He had a dog growing up, but I've never had one.  I have to admit, it is quite daunting as it will be a big lifestyle change for us and the thought of picking up warm dog crap makes me feel queasy, but I think it will be so rewarding (having a dog, not picking up the crap).

Many of the dogs available had already been 'reserved', but we absolutely loved one called Rocco who was new to the centre.  When we got back to reception they told us that he'd been reserved earlier that day, darn it, but only for 24 hours while the family decided if they wanted him or not!! We took a punt and were allowed to be 2nd reserve.  We then got the phone call this morning that he's ours!! The other family dropped out.  We are so, so happy.  Here he is....

Rocco

We should hopefully get him in a week or so.  I'll put some proper pictures on when we have him home with us.

Another exciting chapter awaits.

Until next time my lovelies. xx