Pure poetry... The end of radiotherapy

Red

Wednesday's radiotherapy treatment was at 8.30am! I totally forgot how bad the traffic is on the way to the hospital at that time of the morning so we got there just in time.

I reported to reception and I was told I was checked in.  I noticed that there was a board saying that one of the machines was delayed (although not my machine), but it didn't surprise me when it came round to 9am and I still hadn't been called in.

Tim had already been to the hospital pharmacy to pick up my new set of tablets to help with my pinched nerve and I was still waiting to be seen when he arrived in the Oncology centre.

At about 9.10am I checked my phone (which was in my bag, on silent - I am notorious for this) and saw a missed call from a Worcester number I didn't recognise.  I started to phone the voicemail when Tim told me my name had been called.  So I dropped my stuff with Timmy and headed over to Gavyn... He said he'd just tried to call me because the team had been asking where I was and whether I was normally on time. He'd told them that I was, but apparently, it transpired, that the receptionist hadn't actually signed me in on the system so I ended up going in 45 mins later than I should have for no reason. And it was only because Gavyn had come out into the waiting room to double check in case I was there that I actually got in!

There was an old man who had been brought down on a bed for treatment who looked terrible (poor thing) and had an oxygen tank with him.  Then there's me who breezes down the corridor almost looking like I've not got a care in the world, but obvs that's not the case.  At least I don't take too long in the room as I am mobile so, although it's difficult to lie down because of the pain, I can at least do it myself.  It must be really hard work for the radiotherapists with a lot of patients.

When I'd finished I had a headache and felt really, really tired.  I decided not to go into work and sat on the sofa. The next thing I knew, I'd been asleep for an hour and half...and I don't sleep in the day, think it's all catching up on me.

In bed on Weds eve I was reading Red magazine - Tim had picked up a free copy of it when working in B'ham last week.  I haven't read Red for years...when I was younger I remember reading a copy of it thinking 'that's an older woman's magazine', but I suppose now I'm 40 I am that older woman and I was actually enjoying it.

I was reading an article about the poet Lemn Sissay  - his life story is fascinating.  It also included one of his poems which moved me so much that I started crying in bed and got really emotional. Most people know that I'm not a big cryer, so maybe it was the hormones, I don't know, but it really got to me as I thought it was beautiful and made me think of Tim... see for yourself:

Invisible Kisses by Lemn Sissay

If there was ever one

Whom when you were sleeping

Would wipe your tears

When in dreams you were weeping;

Who would offer you time

When others demand;

Whose love lay more infinite

Than grains of sand.

If there was ever one

To whom you could cry;

Who would gather each tear

And blow it dry;

Who would offer help

On the mountains of time;

Who would stop to let each sunset

Soothe the jaded mind.

If there was ever one

To whom when you run

Will push back the clouds

So you are bathed in sun;

Who would open arms

If you would fall;

Who would show you everything

If you lost it all.

If there was ever one

Who when you achieve

Was there before the dream

And even then believed;

Who would clear the air

When it's full of loss;

Who would count love

Before the cost.

If there was ever one 

Who when you are cold

Will summon warm air

For your hands to hold;

Who would make peace

In pouring pain,

Make laughter fall

In falling rain.

If there was ever one

Who can offer you this and more;

Who in keyless rooms

Can open doors;

Who in open doors

Can see open fields

And in open fields

See harvests yield.

Then see only my face

In reflection of these tides

Through the clear water

Beyond the river side.

All I can send is love

In all that this is

A poem and a necklace

Of invisible kisses.

The last one

Thursday saw my last radiotherapy.  I had slept well on Wednesday night and got up and went to work for a few hours, but when I came home, I fell asleep again.

My shoulder blade (on the right) is now aching too (sigh).

Tim drove me up to the hospital and it wasn't long after I'd checked in (they did actually check me in this time) that I was called in to see the review radiographer.  I was having a review before my last radiotherapy.  She asked me how I'd been through the radiotherapy and whether I was in any pain or had any effects from the treatment.  Tiredness and some additional pain mainly.  She asked me if my appetite had been effected, er, no, that's for sure! #jabba!  She said she couldn't believe when she read my notes that it was so long in between my primary cancer and secondary diagnosis - yep, tell me about it!

I was in with her for five mins or so and then headed back to the waiting room.  About two mins later I was called through for my radiotherapy.  I was on machine 4 today. There was someone being zapped when I got there so had to sit on the chairs outside the room again.  I was soon in though and whipping my top off for all to see!

However, this time I was asked if I normally keep my bra on, uh oh!  To which I replied yes, and I started worrying that they should have asked me to take it off for the other treatments and that it may have got in the way of the zaps.  But she said, I just needed to take it off today to make the images clear (because I think they take a photo of your positioning before giving you the treatment and on a couple of occasions this week once they've taken the picture, they've come back in the room to re-position me in the right place!). Anyway, I asked if it would impact the actual radiotherapy and she assured me it wouldn't, and, come to think about it, when they zap my back, the radiation goes through the bed and mattress I'm lay on to have the treatment so I don't think some bra wire is gonna get in the way of that!

As I was lay there looking up at myself in the reflection of the machine, I thought, actually I've got quite a good pair of boobs, but what a shame they've caused me all this bloody hassle! Oh the irony!

I popped my clothes back on and said thank you to the treatment team.  I was given a leaflet with their numbers on in case I was worried about any after effects of treatment and they made sure that I had a follow up appointment (which I have with Dr P on 20 Feb).

I must say, all of the radiotherapy staff have been so lovely.  They are all really young too (or am I just getting old?!).

Timmy and I were pleased that I have finished, although I did say, in a way, it will be strange not going every day as it gives me some sort of reassurance that something is happening.

When we got home there was a huge box on our door step left by a courier (it's a good job we weren't out long as when we opened it all the stuff was perishable).  It was an amazing hamper of goodies bought by some lovely friends of ours for Tim and I.  It was full of ham, cheese, pickled onions, smoked salmon, steak pies, chutney... YUM. Ace.

We were meant to be going to Huntingdon Hall to see Rob Beckett (a comedian) in the evening, but we were both shattered and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting in H Hall all night as it's a really uncomfortable venue (an old church with upright pews) so we stayed in and had homemade pizza - yum.  Thanks Timmy.

Tea for two (or four)

Today I have felt much better in myself (although tired and achy) and even managed some cleaning! Rock and roll.  This afternoon I treated mum, dad and Tim to a prosecco high tea to say thanks so much for looking after me recently and for all the fetching and carrying.  I'm still not driving as it's too painful in my chest.

Cheers

Scones....fastest cake in the West....hahaha

We had a lovely time.

So here's to the weekend, I hope you all have a great one.

Much love as always. xx