Getting on my nerves

Zaps 2 and 3 complete

This week's zaps so far have been really quick and straightforward.  Although it was much busier in the oncology centre on Monday, it is still a lot calmer and feels a lot less clinical that the main hospital.

Mum and dad took me up to the hospital on Monday afternoon after picking me up from work as Timmy went to visit his mum and dad, Mr and Mrs Butler Senior, as we call them, up in Mansfield.  His mum has been quite poorly as she had an op on her eye and with everything that's been going on with me, I think they both wanted to see each other just to make sure Butler Juniors and Seniors are doing ok, or as well as can be in the circumstances!!

While I was called through to the row of linear accelerators, there was an older woman who was wheeled in by a porter (in her hospital gown) who was due in after me and she was nervous about the radiotherapy as she hadn't had it before.  I told her it only lasted a few minutes, and, to be honest, it's a relative walk in the park compared to other cancer treatments but I certainly wasn't going to say that bit to her!

The worse thing for me is the lying down on the flat surface and sitting up again.  Ouch.  The good thing is they have ceiling tiles with sky and clouds on them which are nice to stare at when the machine is doing its thing.

Monday night I was in a bad mood and was getting really narked when everyone at choir kept asking how I was with that sad look in their eyes....what a complete cow I felt.  I apologised to some of my choir friends after as I know it's because they care and it's not their fault, but I just really wasn't up for dwelling on it....but I understand it's a minefield for people to walk through in how they should handle the situation with me as they don't always know how I'm feeling...  And the reason for my mood became clear when I realised my period had started. Great!!  Soz, TMI!!

Forums

Today I joined the Young Breast Cancer Network on Facebook on recommendation from my ace friend Corinna.  I didn't join anything like that when I was first diagnosed as I had Susie as my support network and 'forum' so I didn't need anything online, but now I've got secondary breast cancer, I don't know any other young women in this position and so I thought I'd join that particular group... I'll see how I get on as I'm generally not a massive fan of forums as many people try and self-diagnose or look for reassurance that everything is going to be ok and none of us can know that.

Already though I've read quite an interesting post about young women on Zoladex (like me) who have then decided to opt to have their ovaries removed to remove the need for Zoladex.

Walking pharmacy

It's been miserable weather today again and I've literally just been slobbing on the sofa and playing Words with Friends on my tablet as I've been feeling tired and irritable, but then I started getting a headache again today (I had one yesterday) and all I can think is that my cancer has spread to my brain (as it is likely too eventually). Every little ache and pain is now going to be a constant source of worry.

When I got to the hospital today (with Timmy), I was called through pretty much straight away and Gavyn (my radiographer for the past two days) said the gentleman due before me had let me go first so that I could make my appointment with Dr Churn at 3pm and it was going to be a bit tight if I waited for my 2.45pm zap.  I saw the man sat outside the room before I was taken in and said 'thank you' to him.

I realised as I took my top off today (which I need to do for the radio) that I hadn't shaved my armpits, but then I thought, actually I don't give a crap if people see my hairy pits in the radio room, I bet they've seen a lot worse.

When I was lying on the machine today (which shows my reflection) I was looking at the two bruises on my stomach where I had my two injections, and they are still really quite pronounced. At this rate I'm wondering if they'll disappear before I have my next set of injections!  Also, I noticed my bra was really wonky.  The trouble with having a lumpectomy (which is what I had from my primary breast cancer) is that you end up with one boob smaller than the other so finding a bra that fits both bangers well is a pain!  Although mine aren't too bad as my initial tumour was pretty small.

I was done in ten minutes and then Tim and I headed up to the Rowan suite in the main hospital to see Dr Churn.  He was running 35 mins late, but I was reading a magazine and Tim was writing his piece for his creative writing group meeting (yes, I have a budding novelist as a husband - he's brilliant at funny short stories too).

When we were called through I explained the pain in my side and how it's also been spasming a bit.  He had to get a nurse into the room as I needed to take my top off again to show him where the pain was.  He said as it's above my belly button it isn't likely to be my T10 vertabrae but could well be a pinched nerve as a result of my T8 issues.  He asked if I've felt any pins or needles or lost sensation in my legs/feet or below my waist in general and whether my bowels are working ok.  Well, apart from the constipation and the haemorrhoids everything is fine and dandy! Jeez.  So my cancer is now literally getting on my nerves! (I need to credit that one to Tim who said that to me as I was coming out of the hospital)

Dr C said it may have been made worse by the radiotherapy and prescribed me some different tablets. I am a walking pharmacy at the mo!

Anyway, two more to go.  Tomorrow's radio is at 8.30am.  Early start for Timmy and I....

Also, as an aside, am totally loving Bruno Mars' new album, and especially the song Perm - reminds me of James Brown... ace, but 24k Magic is THE best song of the moment.  I absolutely love it and can't help but bop along (well as best I can with a broken sternum!)