And they're off..... Treatment begins!

Power Breakfast

The build up....

So after a fairly chilled weekend, catching up with friends and a hilarious night at Jen's on Saturday, I started to get nervous about what Monday morning would bring and the anxiety kicked in on Sunday afternoon.

What will the biopsy show? Why is back hurting so much? Has it carried on spreading even further since Christmas? Will I start chemo? When will I start my other treatment? (SPOILER ALERT - that last question is answered in the blog title!).

I was also thinking about our house....We bought it in July 2009, a few months after I finished treatment and sadly it was under probate as the guy who had previously owned it had sadly passed away from cancer, and he was fairly young from what I can gather...Honestly, I can't believe that is likely to happen again... Sorry, I know that's difficult to read, but it's exactly what I have been thinking...

Timmy has been so incredibly brilliant this weekend....I mean, he always looks after me, but being so incapacitated with my back and not being able to stand up for too long means he has literally done everything for me.  He was also making another coffee mug with our wedding picture on it as his dad has unfortunately knocked the other one we gave him and it had broken.  He said it was really nice to look through our wedding photos and I can imagine what might have been going through his mind while looking at them....

(I've actually just done the same while writing the blog and thought I'd put a little montage together for you... it made me teary.  What an awesome day).

The oncology visit

Our appointment was at 10.30am. I had spent most of the morning on the toilet with nerves - NICE!!!

Dad dropped Timmy and I off as trying to get parked at the hospital at that time of the day is virtually impossible. Normally we would walk from Tesco's (it's about a mile away), but I can't walk that far at the mo.

We signed in at reception and sat and waited.  It was quite busy in the waiting room of Rowan Suite (the one place after my first treatment I was hoping I would NEVER have to see again!! sigh).  Then in came my mum and dad's neighbour Helen (who told me she's been reading the blog) and her mum.  We were exchanging war stories when Tim had to tap me on the shoulder as Mr Price had called us through and I hadn't even heard him as I was gabbing on.  It was just before 11am when we went in.

Mr P had a medical student with him (Angus) and asked if we minded him being there.  I have absolutely no problem with medical students in my appointment as I am just so grateful that young types are still keen to get involved in medicine and help others.

The first thing Mr P said, after asking me how I was doing, was 'we were disappointed by the biopsy results'  Oh jesus, I had EXACTLY the same tingly feeling that I had when my consultant told me cancer had come back...GULP....but he carried on to say that although they got a good sample during the biopsy and it had confirmed it was oestrogen receptive (ie. driven by hormones.... BLOODY HORMONES!!), there weren't enough cancerous cells to determine if it was HER2 positive.  Now, on one hand, he said it was good that there weren't too many cancerous cells in the tissue surrounding the bone, however, ideally I should have another biopsy (into the bone or liver) to determine the HER2 status.  BUT he said he would start hormone treatment and determine how that was working before making me have another biopsy (phew....a temporary stay of execution cos that biopsy will not equate to fun times!!!) and that I was ok to carry on with my radiotherapy on Friday.

I had told Mr P about how much pain I was in and told him that the back pain was now spasming and lower down than where the cancer is.  I acknowledged that it could be just a pulled back from the way I've been holding myself to try and stop the pain in my chest, but I wanted to let him know in case it had already spread to other parts of my spine.  He then said he would bring up my CT scan results just to check it. Ooooo, I asked if Tim and I could have a look at the scans.  WOW is all I can say.... it was absolutely amazing - it shows a cross-section throughout my whole body and each image is a different vertebrae with the organs changing as we go down the images.  He showed us the T8 vertabrae cancer....all the bone should be white, but where it's dissolved because of the cancer it is a light grey colour (and nearly the whole thing was light grey).... He then carried on down the rest of the images and he wasn't sure if there was a lower bone that had some cancerous evidence as he did admit that sometimes the radiographers can miss certain things (yowzers).

He said that he would ask the breast cancer CT film expert to take another look at my scan to double check and he said I might be asked to go for another CT scan or an MRI to give a clearer picture to double check.  I'm so glad I mentioned it cos at the moment my radiotherapy is only focused on my chest and T8 spine so if it's anywhere else in the bones I want it zapped!!  I did also mention that the radiotherapy nurses had said that Dr Churn (Dr C) my chief radiologist will take a look at the CT I had during my radio mark up last week to determine if there is anything else amiss.

Dr P then asked if the painkillers I was taking were working and, although my chest isn't as bad (although it's still bad, but it's all relative when you're in this much pain), the tablets weren't really touching the pain.  He then said then next step is morphine.  'Oh jeez' I said, that sounds a bit hardcore...I said 'I'll be high as a kite' to which Tim replied, 'er, I think it will be totally the opposite and you're more likely to be sleeeeepy'...hehehehe.  Either is fine!! Oh, and it'll make me constipated too - I've got the Senakot ready!!

We then started talking about the rest of the treatment and he said that I could start the hormone treatment today. Yay.  Was pleased that I would be getting started.

I will be taking a daily tablet (Letrozole) which brings on menopausal symptoms (hot sweats anyone?!... Honestly, the things you do to keep you alive...!!!!hahahahahaha) and two monthly injections.  One which is to stop my bones from dissolving and one which suppresses my ovarian function (ie. stops me releasing oestrogen and puts me in a menopausal state) called Zoladex.  Last time when I was on the Tamoxifen I had the horrible symptoms of the menopause but still got my period on monthly basis, I mean, come on, you'd think there would be some benefit in not coming on the blob each month!  I'm not sure what will happen with my periods now...We'll wait and see.  I told you this was a warts and all blog!!

Dr P had to leave the room to go and get the prescription pad and while he was out, we were talking to Angus, the medical student.  He was lovely and has been studying for four years so far and is on rotation in the hospital now getting a taster of the different areas and was with oncology for a few weeks.  Both Tim and I thanked him for doing what he was doing and I said it was so great that young people still want to go into medicine.  At this point Dr P had come back in the room and we told them both how grateful we are for the NHS.  

It was the big prescription pad that he brought in, which was a good job as he had loads to write down on it, including the hormone and bone injections I would be having today....

He then sent Angus off to the pharmacy to put in the prescription, as the pharmacy waiting times at the hospital can be very long (my friend Helen was waiting for three hours once) and as Angus was effectively a temporary 'member of staff' that should mean I would be bumped up the queue a little bit.  Boom.

So the plan is to see how the hormone treatment works first.  Hopefully that will start to work but even if it does, he said there will come a time when I no longer respond to it and that's when the chemo will come in.  There are different regimes, and also a trial regime that will be an option, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  There were no timescales associated with that, but I'm hoping that the hormone treatment will keep me going for a long while.  But there are so many 'ifs' and 'hopeful thinking' at the moment.  That's why we need to take one appointment at a time and just really enjoy and appreciate the time in between them. Bring it on.

We asked whether there would ever be a time when my cancer would be 'dormant' ie. it's still there (because it always will be), but not actively growing or showing anywhere and Dr P said that is possible.  But obviously there is no cure and however long I've got left, I will always be 'living with cancer'.  Do I wish this wasn't happening to me? Of course I do, but we've just gotta get on with it.

We also asked Dr P whether we can go on holiday as we're both feeling the need to get away.  In fact, Tim (who is an IT contractor) finishes his current contract at the end of this week but he hasn't looked for anything else as he wants a bit of time out and wants to spend some time with me.  Yay.  Dr P said we would need to wait until the first review in a month's time to see whether the treatment is working and then after that, it would be fine.  He did say I would probably need an official letter for all my drugs though as it might look a bit dodgy taking a shed load of tablets and liquid morphine through customs.  I think Spain is more than likely on the cards.... Our favourite place. Although I've always wanted to go to Miami (hint, hint).

Jabs

After our lengthy discussions (we were probably in there for 20 mins or so), we had to go back out into the main waiting room to wait for the injections.  On the way back we made our way to the reception desk to book my next appointment in a month's time.  I also said we should let mum and dad know what's going on as I knew they would be worrying as we had already been in there for 2 hours so Tim went to let them know we were waiting for the jabs.

The waiting room was really busy now, yes, mainly filled with old types.  This exact same thing happened eight years ago, but as soon as I hear silver tops generally moaning about aches and pains (er, not those having chemotherapy), I get really annoyed cos they should be so grateful they've had their life.  Try being diagnosed with cancer in your early 30s, ruining your chance of having a family and then being dealt your own death sentence six months after you turn 40.  AND RELAX.... Although, saying that, in other ways I feel unbelievably grateful that I had 32 years of good health and lots of fun when you hear of small children and teenagers being diagnosed with cancer or other diseases/disabilities.

Anyway, we were in the waiting room for another 30 mins or so then got called through... This was the first time in a long time I've been back into the chemo suite with everyone sat having their chemo. The last time I was there was over 12 months ago when I took my friend Helen to, what we thought, was her last chemo session, however her heart rate was so high that they wouldn't give her the treatment that day...I blame myself cos we were gassing and laughing like a right pair of girls!

But this time it was different, it's me that's got cancer again, and there's no way back from it this time.

We were taken into the little private room. The nurse had to check if I had any allergies and take my obs.  She was a student nurse.  Then the main nurse (Clemy, who was lovely) came in and said, 'the last calcium blood test you had was 30 Dec and we need them within 72 hours of the injections' Er, what??!! Surely not... no blood tests today!!! I wasn't prepared for that.  So she said she would check with Dr P whether he was happy for me to have the jabs without having recent calcium readings.  We sat there for a quite a while and then she came in with a trolley and said Dr P was happy for me to have them as this is the first set of injections.

The nurse gave me a set of tablets (which weighed a tonne) which I will also need to take twice a day.  They are calcium and Vitamin D tablets which help to prevent bone density loss with all the treatment.

Then she said 'there's one not very nice injection and one not so bad injection'!!!  Er, I had thought it was just two jabs in the arm like tetanus or something, but no, these were in the stomach jobs and one was BIG.  I didn't know that until after she had done it as she said 'shall we do the nasty one first?' and I agreed this was the best idea... She said, 'you might not want to look at it as most people don't' - needless to say I wasn't going to look at it anyway, but Tim said it was a good job I didn't as it was huge.  Basically it had to bore a hole in my stomach as it needs to transfer an implant.  I totally hadn't realised this at all.  It felt very odd as I could feel it go in and it was quite painful.  It also bled a lot afterwards. I will have a new implant each month.

I said to the nurse I felt like James Bond in Casino Royale when he has that implant put into his arm to track his movements.  And that I was also going to end up looking a junkie with all the injection marks.

The second jab wasn't as bad but the needle felt a lot longer than those I used to inject myself in the stomach when Tim and I were going through IVF treatment, but it was fine.

So I was then allowed to go home with two little plasters covering my injection wounds.  Honestly, I'm thinking about establishing a business that makes stickers or plasters for adults like those we used to get at the dentist when we were kids, saying 'I've been brave today' with princesses and cartoons on them.  I'm sure there's a market there, right?

We stopped off at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, which looked like this:

My personal drugs haul

It was really heavy!!

It was 1.10pm and we called a Gords taxi, and we got home at 1.30pm after a quick update to mum and dad of what had happened.

I then had a spot of lunch and Tim took me into work for a couple of hours!

Yum

In case you're wondering, THIS is what a power breakfast looks like..... Honestly, I'm rattling with all the tablets I've taken this morning... Hardcore!!

Power breakfast.... Tasty, daily treats!!

I've been lucky enough to be treated to a manicure, pedicure and eyebrow tint (another 'first at 40') by Kellie today at her Beauty Room in Hallow. It's been really lovely. I went for dark sparkle on the fingers and fuschia on my toes.  Suze drove me over there and had her eyebrows done too.

I then had to go to the Drs this afternoon.

I can't remember if I told you but I had a call from the Drs last week to book me in for a health review...I nearly laughed down the phone when they told me! A health review!!  I didn't know if it was because of what I was going through or whether it was one of those...'Now you've turned 40' appointments.

It was the former and actually it was quite nice because really they were assessing how I'm actually just getting on mentally and it was quite timely as I was able to give them the update from yesterday and also book in my blood tests for my next bone/hormone injections in February.

Right, that is more than enough for now as I'm making a turkey spag bol tonight (which is unusual as I don't really do the cooking) so adios and thanks for reading!

ps. I'm writing the vast majority of this straight after my first morphine dose this morning so I apologise for inane ramblings!!!  (it is GOOD stuff)

pps. when you type 'oestrogen' into google (as I wanted to make sure I was spelling it correctly), the second thing that comes up is 'oestrogen and women's emotions' !!! hahahaha.

pppps. After discussing Peter Cetera's Glory of Love last night at choir with my ace friend Sarah, I have been listening to 80's soft rock cheese while writing this too! BRILLIANT....