Wonder woman?

Fed up...

Yep, today I'm having a whinge as I'm feeling fed up....

1, look at this weather - grey, miserable, wet
2, my back is agony and I can't walk, drive, stay at work all day, get comfortable at choir, so am off to the Drs again 
3, it hurts when I sing
4, when can me and Timmy go on holiday?
5, will I ever be able to make future plans again?

Sorry for myself is the name of the game today I'm afraid.

I went to work yesterday, I'm happy to keep working at the moment as it's a great distraction, but my back is giving me such hassle that sitting at a desk all day is painful, so I did half a day and came home and sat with a hot water bottle against my back for the whole afternoon.  Sadly it didn't make much difference.  It's frustrating as Friday and Saturday it had started to feel lots better and Timmy and I even got out for a short walk on Saturday.  I am missing not being able to do any exercise at all - it makes me feel sluggish and bleugh. Sigh.

Last night I went back to choir as it was the first week back after the Christmas break.  This year (3 September) we are singing at the Symphony Hall again and it's in aid of the Worcestershire Breast Unit Haven (yay)... But, as I was sat there (in pain) last night I wondered if I'll even be able to sing at the concert.... So much uncertainty...it's crap.  Will I be able to go to the things I've already booked that are going on in the summer?? A trip to the RSC, Olly Murs at Worcester Cricket Ground, Adele at Wembley... It's sooooooooooo frustrating.

Funnily enough it has only been over the last couple of years when I'd started to feel I could look forward and make some plans.  It's one of the reasons Timmy and I book our holidays last minute and now, that will always be the case and it's totally crap.

I also couldn't do the moves during the choir warm up and that was awful as anyone who knows me knows how much I love to bop and flay my arms about whenever there's an excuse to do it! However, music and singing is such a big part of my life and one I wouldn't be without.

At the end of the evening, we normally go to the pub, but I was in too much pain and just wanted to get home.  As Dad and I were about to leave (as dad is a member of the choir too), my choir mum, Penny, gave me a bag with a pressie and a card in it....  She knows me so well.... Take a look at the little cushion she embroidered for me for my different moods... Brilliant 

I've been back to the Dr today to talk about my back pain as it's so bad it makes me out of breath when I stand up for too long - it's mainly because I'm holding tension so that my sternum doesn't hurt....well that's what I think anyway.  She's given me some gel to rub into it and said I am to go back and see her whenever I need to.  I'm not sure if it's going to do the trick but it will have to do until I see my oncologist next Monday.

I should say that when you're a cancer patient you are entitled to free prescriptions. Not many people know that so if you know someone that has been diagnosed, make sure they ask their Dr for a form so they can apply for a medical exemption certificate.

Radio ga ga

Oh, I should also let you know that at work yesterday morning I got a call from the radiotherapy department (one, two, three....'All we hear is radio ga ga, radio goo goo') and they've booked my 'marking up' appointment this Thursday at 9.30am.  

I can't remember if I've bored you with radiotherapy chat before, but effectively, I have to go under a CT scanner (again) and they will mark up the areas where the radiotherapy needs to be concentrated on my chest and back.  They do this by giving me small tattoos.... Well, I'm hoping they don't confuse these dots with the ones I had for my breast cancer which are still there as they are permanent....I'm literally gonna end up like a walking dot to do puzzle!?  Maybe this one?? Wonder woman?? What do you think??

The radiotherapy isn't for the cancer in my liver, the drug treatment will (hopefully) deal with that.  As I'm sure you can imagine, although the treatments are going to be crap, I just want to get on with them to start blasting this bloody thing!!!   At least this time the treatment will all be in Worcester as we now have an oncology centre which offers radiotherapy. Previously I had to travel to Cheltenham and that was a pain in the ****.  Actually, it was during the radiotherapy last time that I really struggled mentally - I was coming to the end of my active treatment and I was sitting in the waiting room with loads of old types and I had a lot of 'why me?' moments.  Also, it made me feel really alone.  Obviously no-one can be in the room with you when they zap you with the radiation and it only last for a couple of minutes, but I just really struggled with it.  We'll see how we get on this time.  Mind you, I'm surprised I'm not glowing with the amount of radiation I've had thrown at me over the years with radiotheraphy, x-rays, bone scans, CT scans etc etc!!

Right, enough ranting now.. I think writing this has helped me a bit, and I'm sure there are some make up tutorial videos on You Tube that I've not watched yet (yes, a guilty pleasure of mine)...I've already vowed to myself that if I lose my hair again I'm going to have to go bold with my make up so people focus on that rather than my bald head! Maybe I'll finally perfect the eyeliner flick??