Getting on my nerves

Zaps 2 and 3 complete

This week's zaps so far have been really quick and straightforward.  Although it was much busier in the oncology centre on Monday, it is still a lot calmer and feels a lot less clinical that the main hospital.

Mum and dad took me up to the hospital on Monday afternoon after picking me up from work as Timmy went to visit his mum and dad, Mr and Mrs Butler Senior, as we call them, up in Mansfield.  His mum has been quite poorly as she had an op on her eye and with everything that's been going on with me, I think they both wanted to see each other just to make sure Butler Juniors and Seniors are doing ok, or as well as can be in the circumstances!!

While I was called through to the row of linear accelerators, there was an older woman who was wheeled in by a porter (in her hospital gown) who was due in after me and she was nervous about the radiotherapy as she hadn't had it before.  I told her it only lasted a few minutes, and, to be honest, it's a relative walk in the park compared to other cancer treatments but I certainly wasn't going to say that bit to her!

The worse thing for me is the lying down on the flat surface and sitting up again.  Ouch.  The good thing is they have ceiling tiles with sky and clouds on them which are nice to stare at when the machine is doing its thing.

Monday night I was in a bad mood and was getting really narked when everyone at choir kept asking how I was with that sad look in their eyes....what a complete cow I felt.  I apologised to some of my choir friends after as I know it's because they care and it's not their fault, but I just really wasn't up for dwelling on it....but I understand it's a minefield for people to walk through in how they should handle the situation with me as they don't always know how I'm feeling...  And the reason for my mood became clear when I realised my period had started. Great!!  Soz, TMI!!

Forums

Today I joined the Young Breast Cancer Network on Facebook on recommendation from my ace friend Corinna.  I didn't join anything like that when I was first diagnosed as I had Susie as my support network and 'forum' so I didn't need anything online, but now I've got secondary breast cancer, I don't know any other young women in this position and so I thought I'd join that particular group... I'll see how I get on as I'm generally not a massive fan of forums as many people try and self-diagnose or look for reassurance that everything is going to be ok and none of us can know that.

Already though I've read quite an interesting post about young women on Zoladex (like me) who have then decided to opt to have their ovaries removed to remove the need for Zoladex.

Walking pharmacy

It's been miserable weather today again and I've literally just been slobbing on the sofa and playing Words with Friends on my tablet as I've been feeling tired and irritable, but then I started getting a headache again today (I had one yesterday) and all I can think is that my cancer has spread to my brain (as it is likely too eventually). Every little ache and pain is now going to be a constant source of worry.

When I got to the hospital today (with Timmy), I was called through pretty much straight away and Gavyn (my radiographer for the past two days) said the gentleman due before me had let me go first so that I could make my appointment with Dr Churn at 3pm and it was going to be a bit tight if I waited for my 2.45pm zap.  I saw the man sat outside the room before I was taken in and said 'thank you' to him.

I realised as I took my top off today (which I need to do for the radio) that I hadn't shaved my armpits, but then I thought, actually I don't give a crap if people see my hairy pits in the radio room, I bet they've seen a lot worse.

When I was lying on the machine today (which shows my reflection) I was looking at the two bruises on my stomach where I had my two injections, and they are still really quite pronounced. At this rate I'm wondering if they'll disappear before I have my next set of injections!  Also, I noticed my bra was really wonky.  The trouble with having a lumpectomy (which is what I had from my primary breast cancer) is that you end up with one boob smaller than the other so finding a bra that fits both bangers well is a pain!  Although mine aren't too bad as my initial tumour was pretty small.

I was done in ten minutes and then Tim and I headed up to the Rowan suite in the main hospital to see Dr Churn.  He was running 35 mins late, but I was reading a magazine and Tim was writing his piece for his creative writing group meeting (yes, I have a budding novelist as a husband - he's brilliant at funny short stories too).

When we were called through I explained the pain in my side and how it's also been spasming a bit.  He had to get a nurse into the room as I needed to take my top off again to show him where the pain was.  He said as it's above my belly button it isn't likely to be my T10 vertabrae but could well be a pinched nerve as a result of my T8 issues.  He asked if I've felt any pins or needles or lost sensation in my legs/feet or below my waist in general and whether my bowels are working ok.  Well, apart from the constipation and the haemorrhoids everything is fine and dandy! Jeez.  So my cancer is now literally getting on my nerves! (I need to credit that one to Tim who said that to me as I was coming out of the hospital)

Dr C said it may have been made worse by the radiotherapy and prescribed me some different tablets. I am a walking pharmacy at the mo!

Anyway, two more to go.  Tomorrow's radio is at 8.30am.  Early start for Timmy and I....

Also, as an aside, am totally loving Bruno Mars' new album, and especially the song Perm - reminds me of James Brown... ace, but 24k Magic is THE best song of the moment.  I absolutely love it and can't help but bop along (well as best I can with a broken sternum!)

Sleepy....

Zzzzzz

After a totally brilliant night on Friday with the Worcester crew, getting up on stage singing with Come Together (our official Snow Ball band) at Drummonds and going to bed at 2am, I am now absolutely shattered....zzzzz.

Giving it some

Blurry....that might have been the gin though!

After the morphine working really well, I am now in a lot of pain again, but this time it is on my left side down at the bottom of my ribs, and it is incredibly tender and sore when I touch my side.  Now I'm wondering what on earth that is... have I broken a rib cos my bones are weak or have I got some cancer in that area that hasn't been detected??

Honestly, everything that now happens or hurts is a constant worry...sigh.

The tiredness, which I didn't suffer with the first time during radiotherapy, is full on. I was so uncomfortable with the pain last night that I went to bed at 9.45pm, turned the light off at 10pm and woke up at 8.30 this morning and I still feel really tired . Maybe Friday night has caught up with me but I've been blasted with so much radiation over the past week,  that won't be helping. 

Off to the hospital tomorrow and every day until Thursday for my radiotherapy sessions.  I will also miss the funeral of my aunt next week as I'll be having treatment. 

Website wording

Yesterday I updated our website, www.breastunitevents.co.uk, with my cancer story as we can't now say we are two young breast cancer survivors as only one of us now belongs in that category, and may that continue to be the case into old age for Suze. It was hard to find the right words to describe the two of us now, apart from best friends obvs.

Glowing

Zap 1 COMPLETE

Quick, painless, quite calming overall.  They even played the radio while having the radio!

The oncology centre is a credit to the Worcestershire Royal Hospital.  The staff are all so friendly.

I had to take my top off, lie on the radiotherapy bed then I could see my reflection in the linear accelerator machine (which is what zaps you) as I was covered in a red laser ruler.  The two radiographers called out all sorts of numbers and marked over my tattoo and lined me up.

Then they left the room and the whole thing probably took about five minutes, first the front and then the machine moves around your body and then zaps the back.  It makes a noise but nowhere near as noisy as the MRI scan.

All four remaining appointments booked in for Mon - Thurs next week at various times each day.

I mentioned that at the radio mark up last week they said Dr C would look through the CT scan to have a look to see if anything had been missed (as I am now having pain in my sides). They therefore emailed him to remind him and we will hopefully have an answer about that at Monday's appointment.

Right, here's to the weekend which will be spent with my amazing husband and fab friends.

Whatever you're all doing, have a bloody great one!  WHOOP.

Love to all, Kate. xx

Blimey that was quick.... MRI update!!

Scan at 2.30pm, phone call with results at 6.30pm

I have started to dread the 'Unknown' number flash up on my phone.  Although what will shock most people is that I am actually answering my phone (Suze - I've finally put it on vibrate rather than silent!!).

It was Dr P, he said the MRI results had been reported and he'd taken a look at it too....

Collapsing spine

Yes, sounds scary, and yes, is happening!!  Right, DON'T PANIC.

The GOOD NEWS is that the MRI scan has not shown any further cancer in additional vertebrae, just the T8 that we already knew about, so that's 'very reassuring' (his words, not mine).  However, the T8 bone has started to collapse!  And, he noted, the trouble with that is that it can start to put pressure on the spinal cord - FUCKING HELL!!!  BUT the GOOD NEWS is, that there is no sign of that....Phew....  But it might explain why I've been in so much bloody pain.

Jeez....

He asked if I was still going ahead with the radiotherapy tomorrow (??!) to which I replied 'well yes, unless anyone tells me otherwise'.  He said the Dr C is likely to want to still go ahead with it and Dr P will discuss it with him in the morning.   This is another reason why I'm glad I'm near to the hospital so that I don't set off and then get a phone call half the way through a long journey to say that it has been cancelled!

Jab in the spine!

Then he said, actually, there is a team in Birmingham who will be able to inject something into my spine to stabilise it (now THAT sounds painful).  He said they don't do it if a number of vertabrae together are affected, but as it is just the one then they are likely to be able to help.  However, he said he won't be able to get an answer on that by tomorrow morning or when the radiotherapy is scheduled so he'll keep me posted on that!

I did let him know that I was actually having pain in my side near to my ribs which is also tender to the touch.  He acknowledged that there may be some cancer in the ribs, however, his main concern at the moment is treating my spine due to its delicate nature.

Crikey....this is a LOT more involved than, what now seems like, my 'good old' breast cancer....

Until tomorrow, adieu (and yes, I'm just about to open the wine...it could be a two bottle night in the Butler household!!! Bottoms up)

Another first at 40...An MRI scan

Noisy

It's official.  Morphine is a great pain reliever,  but also a great blocker of  bowels! Ow.


Whilst at work this morning I received a phone call from Dr P saying he'd arranged an urgent MRI scan for me as he's concerned about other parts of my back. Gulp!!

However I had to go to Kidderminster hospital as the Worcester machine was being serviced.  I still hadn't received a call from Kidderminster about the appointment when I left work, but then my phone rang when I was in my Gord's taxi.

'Mrs Butler,  there has been a bit of confusion about your appointment ', oh, 'someone should have called you to ask you to come in for 1pm'. Oh! At this point it was 1.15pm. 'Can you get here as soon as you can?'. 'No problem, I've just left work and heading home. I'll quickly have some lunch and pop over'. Why did I feel the need to mention lunch,  I bet they thought I was a right cheeky cow just coming in when it was convenient for me!

Literally, I had ten minutes at home, changed into a non wired bra, as they asked me not to wear any metal, and Gord's came round again.  We got to the hospital at 2pm.

Er,  I will say this ...who needs senokot when you've been booked in for an urgent MRI??

Dad said they'd called me through as soon as I'd gone into the loo so they had a bit of a wait!  The nurse took me to a changing cubicle and I had to answer a number of questions before she asked me to change into a gown but leave my shoes on. There was no point changing my bra at home as I'd completely forgotten there are metal studs on my jeans so had to wear a gown anyway! Doh!

Hairy

Most people who've read this blog from the beginning know about my struggle with armpit hair. Well what was the one thing I wish I'd done this morning whilst having a shower?  Yep, shaved my legs! It's awkward to shave them at the moment because of my back so they are not in fine form most of the time.

I had to walk out of the cubicle with my disco boots on and hairy legs showing out the bottom of the gown and go right through the waiting room. It didn't help that I said to the nurse I was following  'I wish I'd shaved my legs today' just as I was approaching a corner of the waiting room where quite a few people heard me and looked up to see the Yeti before them!

Nice legs!

I waved to dad as I passed him in the waiting room and he looked a bit sad.

I was taken into the waiting room just before the scanner room and had to put my clothes and jewellery in a locker and hold the key.  I took off my boots and kept them under the chair where I was sat and there were some magazines to read so I started looking at them.  All of a sudden I heard all sorts of weird noises and realised that the scanner must have been on.

A few minutes later the door opened and I could hear them saying to an elderly person (who couldn't hear them) 'It's all finished now, we're going to put you back on the bed' and then the person was wheeled out into my little room and the corridor.  I was then called in.... the room was fairly empty apart from the MRI scanner and lots of needles and sharps boxes (my favourite!).  I had to put my locker key on a hook on the wall.

The scanner had a longer, smaller tunnel than the CT scanner and it was all white inside, but it was open at both ends, which I wasn't expecting.

They told me that I was booked in for a spine MRI only, but I told the team that the pain was in my back but also really bad in my left lower ribs.  He said the MRI doesn't really give a good result on the ribs and re-confirmed I was only booked in for a spine scan.

I also asked if my feet could be taped together.  They said, they don't normally do it, but they could.  I explained that I have that done when I have bone scans and it really helps. When you are lying still on your back, your feet want to automatically fall to the side and sometimes I twitch if I feel I've got to hold them still!

I had to lower myself onto the bed and put my head in a head-shaped-rest thing.  That was easier said that done as I cried out with the pain in my chest.  They taped my feet together and put a polystyrene block under my knees which helped.  I was then asked to hold a button which I was to press if I felt uncomfortable or wanted to stop.  A set of huge headphones were then about to be put over my ears to reduce the noise and I was asked if I wanted Radio 2 on....'oh, go on then'.

They left the room and Radio 2 didn't come on.  All of a sudden I was moved back into the tube and the noise was incredible...god knows what it is like without the headphones on! First of all it clicks as if it's getting in position and then it lets off a constant sound, then an intermittent but regular sound and then it sounds like a pneumatic drill!  This happens for quite a long time and on about four different occasions as I was moved through the scanner.

I'm sure when the intermittent sound came on that the bed seemed to get hotter, but that could have been my imagination, and yes, I did twitch in the legs so it was a good job I was taped up.

I kept my eyes closed through the whole thing except when they said in my headphones 'we're going to move you through the machine now' - I hadn't quite caught what they said at first as I was deafened by the noise of the scanner and opened my eyes as I thought they said I was finishing.  Yes, the scanner was quite close to my face but not too bad so I just shut my eyes again.

I did start getting quite panicky on there though just thinking about everything and felt nauseous, but I tried to calm myself down.  At least I hadn't had weeks to build up to it and worry about it, I literally got the call and was there within the hour.

After about 25 mins I was all done and he apologised as he realised that he'd not turned the radio on. He then helped me off the bed and I swore quite loudly as I got up because of the pain, and he said, 'don't worry I've heard a lot worse'. I felt a tiny bit woozy when I first stood up and very tired, but generally ok.

The nurse unlocked the locker and we took out my bag of stuff.  I put my disco boots back on and she walked me back to the changing rooms right through everyone again.  As I was going back she said, 'I told your husband when you were being scanned' and I said, 'er, the man in the waiting room is my dad', 'oh, no wonder he looked oddly at me when I told him that'.  Jeez....how embarrassing! Poor Gords.

I got changed and went back to meet dad.  We were back in the car by 3.05pm so it wasn't too bad at all, then had a nice cuppa when I got home.

I don't know when the results will be back in, and I don't know what they will show, and I don't know what's causing this pain in my side, but I'm bricking it about all of those things, which only means one thing tonight.... WINE!

Cheers....

And they're off..... Treatment begins!

Power Breakfast

The build up....

So after a fairly chilled weekend, catching up with friends and a hilarious night at Jen's on Saturday, I started to get nervous about what Monday morning would bring and the anxiety kicked in on Sunday afternoon.

What will the biopsy show? Why is back hurting so much? Has it carried on spreading even further since Christmas? Will I start chemo? When will I start my other treatment? (SPOILER ALERT - that last question is answered in the blog title!).

I was also thinking about our house....We bought it in July 2009, a few months after I finished treatment and sadly it was under probate as the guy who had previously owned it had sadly passed away from cancer, and he was fairly young from what I can gather...Honestly, I can't believe that is likely to happen again... Sorry, I know that's difficult to read, but it's exactly what I have been thinking...

Timmy has been so incredibly brilliant this weekend....I mean, he always looks after me, but being so incapacitated with my back and not being able to stand up for too long means he has literally done everything for me.  He was also making another coffee mug with our wedding picture on it as his dad has unfortunately knocked the other one we gave him and it had broken.  He said it was really nice to look through our wedding photos and I can imagine what might have been going through his mind while looking at them....

(I've actually just done the same while writing the blog and thought I'd put a little montage together for you... it made me teary.  What an awesome day).

The oncology visit

Our appointment was at 10.30am. I had spent most of the morning on the toilet with nerves - NICE!!!

Dad dropped Timmy and I off as trying to get parked at the hospital at that time of the day is virtually impossible. Normally we would walk from Tesco's (it's about a mile away), but I can't walk that far at the mo.

We signed in at reception and sat and waited.  It was quite busy in the waiting room of Rowan Suite (the one place after my first treatment I was hoping I would NEVER have to see again!! sigh).  Then in came my mum and dad's neighbour Helen (who told me she's been reading the blog) and her mum.  We were exchanging war stories when Tim had to tap me on the shoulder as Mr Price had called us through and I hadn't even heard him as I was gabbing on.  It was just before 11am when we went in.

Mr P had a medical student with him (Angus) and asked if we minded him being there.  I have absolutely no problem with medical students in my appointment as I am just so grateful that young types are still keen to get involved in medicine and help others.

The first thing Mr P said, after asking me how I was doing, was 'we were disappointed by the biopsy results'  Oh jesus, I had EXACTLY the same tingly feeling that I had when my consultant told me cancer had come back...GULP....but he carried on to say that although they got a good sample during the biopsy and it had confirmed it was oestrogen receptive (ie. driven by hormones.... BLOODY HORMONES!!), there weren't enough cancerous cells to determine if it was HER2 positive.  Now, on one hand, he said it was good that there weren't too many cancerous cells in the tissue surrounding the bone, however, ideally I should have another biopsy (into the bone or liver) to determine the HER2 status.  BUT he said he would start hormone treatment and determine how that was working before making me have another biopsy (phew....a temporary stay of execution cos that biopsy will not equate to fun times!!!) and that I was ok to carry on with my radiotherapy on Friday.

I had told Mr P about how much pain I was in and told him that the back pain was now spasming and lower down than where the cancer is.  I acknowledged that it could be just a pulled back from the way I've been holding myself to try and stop the pain in my chest, but I wanted to let him know in case it had already spread to other parts of my spine.  He then said he would bring up my CT scan results just to check it. Ooooo, I asked if Tim and I could have a look at the scans.  WOW is all I can say.... it was absolutely amazing - it shows a cross-section throughout my whole body and each image is a different vertebrae with the organs changing as we go down the images.  He showed us the T8 vertabrae cancer....all the bone should be white, but where it's dissolved because of the cancer it is a light grey colour (and nearly the whole thing was light grey).... He then carried on down the rest of the images and he wasn't sure if there was a lower bone that had some cancerous evidence as he did admit that sometimes the radiographers can miss certain things (yowzers).

He said that he would ask the breast cancer CT film expert to take another look at my scan to double check and he said I might be asked to go for another CT scan or an MRI to give a clearer picture to double check.  I'm so glad I mentioned it cos at the moment my radiotherapy is only focused on my chest and T8 spine so if it's anywhere else in the bones I want it zapped!!  I did also mention that the radiotherapy nurses had said that Dr Churn (Dr C) my chief radiologist will take a look at the CT I had during my radio mark up last week to determine if there is anything else amiss.

Dr P then asked if the painkillers I was taking were working and, although my chest isn't as bad (although it's still bad, but it's all relative when you're in this much pain), the tablets weren't really touching the pain.  He then said then next step is morphine.  'Oh jeez' I said, that sounds a bit hardcore...I said 'I'll be high as a kite' to which Tim replied, 'er, I think it will be totally the opposite and you're more likely to be sleeeeepy'...hehehehe.  Either is fine!! Oh, and it'll make me constipated too - I've got the Senakot ready!!

We then started talking about the rest of the treatment and he said that I could start the hormone treatment today. Yay.  Was pleased that I would be getting started.

I will be taking a daily tablet (Letrozole) which brings on menopausal symptoms (hot sweats anyone?!... Honestly, the things you do to keep you alive...!!!!hahahahahaha) and two monthly injections.  One which is to stop my bones from dissolving and one which suppresses my ovarian function (ie. stops me releasing oestrogen and puts me in a menopausal state) called Zoladex.  Last time when I was on the Tamoxifen I had the horrible symptoms of the menopause but still got my period on monthly basis, I mean, come on, you'd think there would be some benefit in not coming on the blob each month!  I'm not sure what will happen with my periods now...We'll wait and see.  I told you this was a warts and all blog!!

Dr P had to leave the room to go and get the prescription pad and while he was out, we were talking to Angus, the medical student.  He was lovely and has been studying for four years so far and is on rotation in the hospital now getting a taster of the different areas and was with oncology for a few weeks.  Both Tim and I thanked him for doing what he was doing and I said it was so great that young people still want to go into medicine.  At this point Dr P had come back in the room and we told them both how grateful we are for the NHS.  

It was the big prescription pad that he brought in, which was a good job as he had loads to write down on it, including the hormone and bone injections I would be having today....

He then sent Angus off to the pharmacy to put in the prescription, as the pharmacy waiting times at the hospital can be very long (my friend Helen was waiting for three hours once) and as Angus was effectively a temporary 'member of staff' that should mean I would be bumped up the queue a little bit.  Boom.

So the plan is to see how the hormone treatment works first.  Hopefully that will start to work but even if it does, he said there will come a time when I no longer respond to it and that's when the chemo will come in.  There are different regimes, and also a trial regime that will be an option, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  There were no timescales associated with that, but I'm hoping that the hormone treatment will keep me going for a long while.  But there are so many 'ifs' and 'hopeful thinking' at the moment.  That's why we need to take one appointment at a time and just really enjoy and appreciate the time in between them. Bring it on.

We asked whether there would ever be a time when my cancer would be 'dormant' ie. it's still there (because it always will be), but not actively growing or showing anywhere and Dr P said that is possible.  But obviously there is no cure and however long I've got left, I will always be 'living with cancer'.  Do I wish this wasn't happening to me? Of course I do, but we've just gotta get on with it.

We also asked Dr P whether we can go on holiday as we're both feeling the need to get away.  In fact, Tim (who is an IT contractor) finishes his current contract at the end of this week but he hasn't looked for anything else as he wants a bit of time out and wants to spend some time with me.  Yay.  Dr P said we would need to wait until the first review in a month's time to see whether the treatment is working and then after that, it would be fine.  He did say I would probably need an official letter for all my drugs though as it might look a bit dodgy taking a shed load of tablets and liquid morphine through customs.  I think Spain is more than likely on the cards.... Our favourite place. Although I've always wanted to go to Miami (hint, hint).

Jabs

After our lengthy discussions (we were probably in there for 20 mins or so), we had to go back out into the main waiting room to wait for the injections.  On the way back we made our way to the reception desk to book my next appointment in a month's time.  I also said we should let mum and dad know what's going on as I knew they would be worrying as we had already been in there for 2 hours so Tim went to let them know we were waiting for the jabs.

The waiting room was really busy now, yes, mainly filled with old types.  This exact same thing happened eight years ago, but as soon as I hear silver tops generally moaning about aches and pains (er, not those having chemotherapy), I get really annoyed cos they should be so grateful they've had their life.  Try being diagnosed with cancer in your early 30s, ruining your chance of having a family and then being dealt your own death sentence six months after you turn 40.  AND RELAX.... Although, saying that, in other ways I feel unbelievably grateful that I had 32 years of good health and lots of fun when you hear of small children and teenagers being diagnosed with cancer or other diseases/disabilities.

Anyway, we were in the waiting room for another 30 mins or so then got called through... This was the first time in a long time I've been back into the chemo suite with everyone sat having their chemo. The last time I was there was over 12 months ago when I took my friend Helen to, what we thought, was her last chemo session, however her heart rate was so high that they wouldn't give her the treatment that day...I blame myself cos we were gassing and laughing like a right pair of girls!

But this time it was different, it's me that's got cancer again, and there's no way back from it this time.

We were taken into the little private room. The nurse had to check if I had any allergies and take my obs.  She was a student nurse.  Then the main nurse (Clemy, who was lovely) came in and said, 'the last calcium blood test you had was 30 Dec and we need them within 72 hours of the injections' Er, what??!! Surely not... no blood tests today!!! I wasn't prepared for that.  So she said she would check with Dr P whether he was happy for me to have the jabs without having recent calcium readings.  We sat there for a quite a while and then she came in with a trolley and said Dr P was happy for me to have them as this is the first set of injections.

The nurse gave me a set of tablets (which weighed a tonne) which I will also need to take twice a day.  They are calcium and Vitamin D tablets which help to prevent bone density loss with all the treatment.

Then she said 'there's one not very nice injection and one not so bad injection'!!!  Er, I had thought it was just two jabs in the arm like tetanus or something, but no, these were in the stomach jobs and one was BIG.  I didn't know that until after she had done it as she said 'shall we do the nasty one first?' and I agreed this was the best idea... She said, 'you might not want to look at it as most people don't' - needless to say I wasn't going to look at it anyway, but Tim said it was a good job I didn't as it was huge.  Basically it had to bore a hole in my stomach as it needs to transfer an implant.  I totally hadn't realised this at all.  It felt very odd as I could feel it go in and it was quite painful.  It also bled a lot afterwards. I will have a new implant each month.

I said to the nurse I felt like James Bond in Casino Royale when he has that implant put into his arm to track his movements.  And that I was also going to end up looking a junkie with all the injection marks.

The second jab wasn't as bad but the needle felt a lot longer than those I used to inject myself in the stomach when Tim and I were going through IVF treatment, but it was fine.

So I was then allowed to go home with two little plasters covering my injection wounds.  Honestly, I'm thinking about establishing a business that makes stickers or plasters for adults like those we used to get at the dentist when we were kids, saying 'I've been brave today' with princesses and cartoons on them.  I'm sure there's a market there, right?

We stopped off at the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, which looked like this:

My personal drugs haul

It was really heavy!!

It was 1.10pm and we called a Gords taxi, and we got home at 1.30pm after a quick update to mum and dad of what had happened.

I then had a spot of lunch and Tim took me into work for a couple of hours!

Yum

In case you're wondering, THIS is what a power breakfast looks like..... Honestly, I'm rattling with all the tablets I've taken this morning... Hardcore!!

Power breakfast.... Tasty, daily treats!!

I've been lucky enough to be treated to a manicure, pedicure and eyebrow tint (another 'first at 40') by Kellie today at her Beauty Room in Hallow. It's been really lovely. I went for dark sparkle on the fingers and fuschia on my toes.  Suze drove me over there and had her eyebrows done too.

I then had to go to the Drs this afternoon.

I can't remember if I told you but I had a call from the Drs last week to book me in for a health review...I nearly laughed down the phone when they told me! A health review!!  I didn't know if it was because of what I was going through or whether it was one of those...'Now you've turned 40' appointments.

It was the former and actually it was quite nice because really they were assessing how I'm actually just getting on mentally and it was quite timely as I was able to give them the update from yesterday and also book in my blood tests for my next bone/hormone injections in February.

Right, that is more than enough for now as I'm making a turkey spag bol tonight (which is unusual as I don't really do the cooking) so adios and thanks for reading!

ps. I'm writing the vast majority of this straight after my first morphine dose this morning so I apologise for inane ramblings!!!  (it is GOOD stuff)

pps. when you type 'oestrogen' into google (as I wanted to make sure I was spelling it correctly), the second thing that comes up is 'oestrogen and women's emotions' !!! hahahaha.

pppps. After discussing Peter Cetera's Glory of Love last night at choir with my ace friend Sarah, I have been listening to 80's soft rock cheese while writing this too! BRILLIANT....

It never rains, but it pours

Think of the happy times

This post is dedicated to Pat, my auntie, my mum's sister and nan's daughter, who sadly passed away yesterday.

Mum found out last Thursday, when she got back from the hospital after I'd had my biopsy, that her sister had had a massive stroke and that it was so severe there was no way back from it.  For it to happen so quickly is heartbreaking.

My dad told me last night that she had lost her life and my uncle and cousins were with her when it happened. The only saving grace is that she did not suffer.

Honestly, what more can be thrown at us??

Anyone who came to mum's tea and cakes morning in July last year to raise money for the Breast Unit will have met Pat, who was looking after the table sale.

It's so hard, we are all so emotionally drained at the moment and mum is emotionally numb.  The week before she had to tell my nan that her granddaughter had incurable cancer and then a week later she had to tell her that her daughter was sadly about to die.

Obviously nan was really upset and mum has reminded her to remember the happy times.  And that's what I've been doing this past week while waiting for news of her condition. 

My heart goes out to all our family. xx

Pat, me, nanny (92) and mum (Juney) in July 2016

Radiotherapy

This morning I went for my radiotherapy marking up.  

The new oncology centre at Worcester is really lovely - not a term you would be expecting to use, but it's light and airy and calming. Previously attending radiotherapy at Cheltenham was awful and had such a crowded and cramped waiting room etc.

My appointment was 9.30am and I was seen straight away.  The radiographer was so lovely.  She talked through what would happen and we discussed my previous marking up and she said they have procedures to ensure my other 'dots' are ignored so as not to confuse where the radiotherapy needs to be aimed this time.  

For the radiotherapy I will be in one position, lying on my back, and the linear accelerator (the name of the type of machine that provides the radiotherapy) moves around my body to get the radiation to both my chest and then spine. 

The side effects of the treatment were discussed again, difficulty swallowing/sore throat, tiredness, soreness in the area, nausea etc, which she said would peak a couple of days after the final treatment and then tail off.  She also said that radio should certainly help with the pain I was feeling.  I told her how bad my back was and she said that Dr Churn (my radiographer) would look at the CT scans taken today to see if there is any indication of what's causing it or whether it is simply radial pain - I certainly hope it's the latter and not more cancer spread!!

My radiotherapy will start next Friday (27 Jan) and then I will have a treatment each day the following Monday to Thursday, so five in total.  

After discussing that she took me to the CT area and into the patient changing area.  Boobs out again.  The CT scanner and room was a lot nicer than the one in the main hospital (probably because it's only 12 months old).  She told me the position I would be put in today is the position I will be in when I have my radiotherapy treatment so I needed to tell them if I was comfortable or in any pain.  Thankfully this CT scanner had a thick mattress on it, which was much better than the metal bed scanner in the main hospital.  I put my head in, what seemed like, a polystyrene head rest and then there was another one under my knees.

Lying down though was a killer.  My sternum was so painful.  I managed to get 'comfortable' (well, as much as can be expected) and then she had to line me up under the laser beams (reach for the lasers) by moving me around slightly.  

They then measured me with a special ruler and put tape across my chest and boob and marked me up like a target.

X marks the spot... The bruise above is from my biopsy last week

I then had to have the CT scan so they can ensure I have been 'lined up' correctly. They went out of the room and I closed my eyes.  They put some sort of music on when I was in there....it was like chilled house music.  I was loving it. Hed Kandi choons.  

The CT scanner is like a huge doughnut that you travel through on a bed (I've probably not explained that before).  All of a sudden it 'whirs' into life, then the bed moves you backwards and forwards into it and takes lots of x-ray images which then build up into a picture of my insides.

It literally took about five minutes in total and I was done.

Getting off the bed again was painful, but I headed home for a brew and then went into work for a couple of hours.

Next stop, oncologist on Monday morning....  

Have a great weekend everyone. xx

Wine

Sod it.... Feeling miserable on Tuesday means only one thing. Cheers all....

Wonder woman?

Fed up...

Yep, today I'm having a whinge as I'm feeling fed up....

1, look at this weather - grey, miserable, wet
2, my back is agony and I can't walk, drive, stay at work all day, get comfortable at choir, so am off to the Drs again 
3, it hurts when I sing
4, when can me and Timmy go on holiday?
5, will I ever be able to make future plans again?

Sorry for myself is the name of the game today I'm afraid.

I went to work yesterday, I'm happy to keep working at the moment as it's a great distraction, but my back is giving me such hassle that sitting at a desk all day is painful, so I did half a day and came home and sat with a hot water bottle against my back for the whole afternoon.  Sadly it didn't make much difference.  It's frustrating as Friday and Saturday it had started to feel lots better and Timmy and I even got out for a short walk on Saturday.  I am missing not being able to do any exercise at all - it makes me feel sluggish and bleugh. Sigh.

Last night I went back to choir as it was the first week back after the Christmas break.  This year (3 September) we are singing at the Symphony Hall again and it's in aid of the Worcestershire Breast Unit Haven (yay)... But, as I was sat there (in pain) last night I wondered if I'll even be able to sing at the concert.... So much uncertainty...it's crap.  Will I be able to go to the things I've already booked that are going on in the summer?? A trip to the RSC, Olly Murs at Worcester Cricket Ground, Adele at Wembley... It's sooooooooooo frustrating.

Funnily enough it has only been over the last couple of years when I'd started to feel I could look forward and make some plans.  It's one of the reasons Timmy and I book our holidays last minute and now, that will always be the case and it's totally crap.

I also couldn't do the moves during the choir warm up and that was awful as anyone who knows me knows how much I love to bop and flay my arms about whenever there's an excuse to do it! However, music and singing is such a big part of my life and one I wouldn't be without.

At the end of the evening, we normally go to the pub, but I was in too much pain and just wanted to get home.  As Dad and I were about to leave (as dad is a member of the choir too), my choir mum, Penny, gave me a bag with a pressie and a card in it....  She knows me so well.... Take a look at the little cushion she embroidered for me for my different moods... Brilliant 

I've been back to the Dr today to talk about my back pain as it's so bad it makes me out of breath when I stand up for too long - it's mainly because I'm holding tension so that my sternum doesn't hurt....well that's what I think anyway.  She's given me some gel to rub into it and said I am to go back and see her whenever I need to.  I'm not sure if it's going to do the trick but it will have to do until I see my oncologist next Monday.

I should say that when you're a cancer patient you are entitled to free prescriptions. Not many people know that so if you know someone that has been diagnosed, make sure they ask their Dr for a form so they can apply for a medical exemption certificate.

Radio ga ga

Oh, I should also let you know that at work yesterday morning I got a call from the radiotherapy department (one, two, three....'All we hear is radio ga ga, radio goo goo') and they've booked my 'marking up' appointment this Thursday at 9.30am.  

I can't remember if I've bored you with radiotherapy chat before, but effectively, I have to go under a CT scanner (again) and they will mark up the areas where the radiotherapy needs to be concentrated on my chest and back.  They do this by giving me small tattoos.... Well, I'm hoping they don't confuse these dots with the ones I had for my breast cancer which are still there as they are permanent....I'm literally gonna end up like a walking dot to do puzzle!?  Maybe this one?? Wonder woman?? What do you think??

The radiotherapy isn't for the cancer in my liver, the drug treatment will (hopefully) deal with that.  As I'm sure you can imagine, although the treatments are going to be crap, I just want to get on with them to start blasting this bloody thing!!!   At least this time the treatment will all be in Worcester as we now have an oncology centre which offers radiotherapy. Previously I had to travel to Cheltenham and that was a pain in the ****.  Actually, it was during the radiotherapy last time that I really struggled mentally - I was coming to the end of my active treatment and I was sitting in the waiting room with loads of old types and I had a lot of 'why me?' moments.  Also, it made me feel really alone.  Obviously no-one can be in the room with you when they zap you with the radiation and it only last for a couple of minutes, but I just really struggled with it.  We'll see how we get on this time.  Mind you, I'm surprised I'm not glowing with the amount of radiation I've had thrown at me over the years with radiotheraphy, x-rays, bone scans, CT scans etc etc!!

Right, enough ranting now.. I think writing this has helped me a bit, and I'm sure there are some make up tutorial videos on You Tube that I've not watched yet (yes, a guilty pleasure of mine)...I've already vowed to myself that if I lose my hair again I'm going to have to go bold with my make up so people focus on that rather than my bald head! Maybe I'll finally perfect the eyeliner flick??

The Biopsy

Toad in the hole or beef madras??

So the day of reckoning was Thurs 12 Jan.  I'd been asked to go to the medical day case unit at the Worcester Royal for 8am, nil by mouth, and my procedure was due at 11am.

Gords drove Juney and I up there before heading to the dentist.  Mum and dad were taking one for the team as Timmy still had a bad cold and it's not a good plan to take a stinker into the hospital.

It was dark when we arrived, and there was chat of snow.....

8am - we found the medical day case area.  Upon arrival I checked in, and the first thing I was told was that there was no bed for me!!!!!!! And it was possible that I might not have my procedure today!!!! Commence moaning about the fact I have incurable cancer.  Ouch.  I don't normally play that card, and I did apologise to the guy on reception and said I knew it wasn't his fault.... but I had already built myself up for the biopsy today.  I certainly didn't fancy the thought of hanging around for hours and then being sent home in the end without it taking place and then do the whole thing again the next day, or whenever they could get me in.

Mum and I had a bit of a moan to ourselves and mum text dad to say there was no point him coming down to the hospital after his dentist appointment as we weren't sure it was even going to happen.

The good old travel Scrabble came with us this time, as we were already prepared for a three hour wait (8am-11am) and thank goodness we took it.  The first game started....

My back was aching really badly but the chair I was in was, thankfully, quite comfortable. The waiting room was really small though and there was absolutely no privacy at all.  This doesn't bother me too much, but I know it would impact (Kev - affect, effect??) other people.

There was a poor woman in the corner with her head scarf on clearly going through chemo. The anesthetist came in to speak to her and, in front of us all, was explaining her procedure and what needed to happen.  All I wanted to do was hug this poor woman as she was on her own and started crying when they went into the detail.  You try not to listen, but, to be honest, it was difficult not too. She had a blood clot which they needed to disperse and also to administer her chemo drugs.  They were going to have to through her neck jugular vein. Jesus!  TMI!!!  Poor woman.

More people kept arriving for day case and mum was mumbling about 'why on earth are all these people being dealt with and not you?'.  To be fair, I would normally be the one moaning about that, but it's weird, when someone else does it, it forced me to look at it rationally and realise that their immediate needs must be greater than mine.  You just don't know what's going on with people.

Anyway, I suddenly had a horrible taste in my mouth and realised I hadn't cleaned my teeth in the morning....I was so busy shaving my armpits in case they needed to be exposed (what is it with me and armpit hair??) and because I hadn't had any breakfast, I just totally forgot to clean them and was then paranoid about having bad breath.  I told mum and we had a bit of a joke about it.  

The reception man came into the room and I said to mum I was going to ask him if we could go home and then be called back in if something became free (as we only live 10 mins from the hospital and I didn't fancy sitting there all day getting all stressed).  He went to ask but said we couldn't in case a bed became free quite quickly that I needed to be put in.

The second game of Scrabble had started at this point and people, including the nurses, were quite intrigued by our game and were giving us both hints!  One lady commended us on our good idea to bring it to pass the time!

It was starting to get a bit cold in the waiting room (there seemed to be a draft from somewhere) and mum was really cold.  She asked the auxillary (Phil) for a blanket and he thought it was for me, but when he arrived with it, mum put it over her legs....the look on his face, it was really funny - I said 'er, who is the patient here?' and told mum she should have brought her slippers with her too #granny. hahaha.

Next thing I know the ward sister is coming over to me with what I hoped was good news about a bed (it was about 10.15am at this point).  Sadly she simply said, they've asked for some more blood samples from you.  My face dropped and the colour must have drained from my face and I just said 'you're joking?' 

I explained that I'd had some on Tuesday and she said they were no good and they wanted fresh samples, oh, and while she was at it, she would put the cannula in!  WHAT!?! I might not even get seen today!!  Needless to say, in front of everyone, I just broke down in tears again and the sister said, 'I know this must be so stressful'.  Er, YES IT BLOODY WELL IS!! (obviously I didn't say that as I could barely get my breath from crying at this point).  Mum was holding my hand and trying to comfort me.  They even got me some water and she said I could have a few sips even though I was nil by mouth.  So, she jabbed me again and managed to get the cannula in, then took FOUR blood samples from me.

Eventually I calmed down and I told the nurse abuot my lack of teeth brushing and she managed to get me a toothbrush and toothpaste, ace. Mum and I resumed our Scrabble.

Off I go....

All of a sudden, just after 11am, the sister came over and said 'I'll get into trouble for this, but I've managed to get you a bed, got and put this gown on now, just take off your top half, and then come back and we'll wheel you for your procedure'. Er, what?? It all happened so fast, mum and I were flustering around trying to get our stuff sorted.  I went into the toilet and took my top and bra off (easier said than done when you've got a cannula and two tubes sticking out of the crook of your arm).  The sister had basically called in a 'bed' favour.

A different nurse asked me a few questions (such as 'what is your religion' er, christian I suppose, but actually more atheist if I'm honest....what sort of god would bring cancer into the world! I mean, really?!) and she took my blood pressure and obs.  Before I knew it I was sitting on a bed and being wheeled out by a porter waving bye to mum.

I felt like a right knob sat on this bed with my gown and jeans and biker boots on.  It was weird being wheeled in the bed as I'm used to simply roaming the hospital corridors.  You get people looking at you a very different way when you're on a bed.

We arrived at the CT area and Phil the auxillary was looking after me.  A few minutes after I got there I was wheeled into the CT room.  The radiographer asked me to get on the CT scanner bed. They had to help me get up and down as my back was so unbelievably painful and I was crying out with the pain. Sigh.

She said I would need a quick scan first before the consultant radiologist came in to perform the biopsy so she said she would just be on the other side of the window.  I lay there with my eyes closed waiting for it to happen for what seemed like a long time, then the radiographer came back in and said 'have you signed a consent form'?  Er, no.

She then said, we needed to wait for the consultant.  I was lay there chatting to her for half an hour before the consultant arrived.  We talked about all sorts (including the state of the traffic on the M42... rock and roll!).

The consultant radiographer came in and was lovely.  He said 'I need to explain the procedure and potential side effects'.  To be honest, ignorance is bliss as far as I'm concerned, but I totally understand they have to do that.

He then said that they were aiming to get a sample from the enlarged tissue around my sternum, but if that wasn't possible then they would need to take some from the bone which would require sedation and the possibility of a collapsed lung! jesus!!

This also meant that the rest of the procedure would be just under a local and he hadn't told me how he was going to do it at this stage.

Both radiographers were then trying to decide if it would be better if I put my gown on with the opening at the front so they had access to my chest or simply take my arm out of it.  I just blurted out, 'I'm happy to just take it off as I'm always getting my boobs out to be checked' - that was met with a silence and slightly odd look.  I can understand that but I'm honestly so used to whipping them out for checking, mammograms etc etc that it doesn't bother me at all.  They eventually decided on me just taking my arms out of the gown (although this really hurt as it put my back into a funny position) and my boobs were half showing anyway!

Right, so the first thing was a shot of tramadol painkiller into my leg (which went into the muscle as intended, but actually hurt).  I told them that I suffer from panic attacks and he asked 'how will I know?' and I said 'I will start shaking uncontrollably' - he said they would be able to sedate me if that started happening!

I asked the radiographer if I could hold her hand while the consultant did the procedure and she obliged.  It's funny how, even though I'm 40, I still need that comfort of having my hand held as if I was a small child, but believe me, it helps.

I lay there with my eyes closed.

They gave me a quick CT scan so they could see where they needed to 'aim for' with the biopsy, the machine makes a huge whirring sound, then they came back into the room and he drew a line on me in felt tip - he described everything before he did it.  I kept my eyes closed the whole time. He then said 'I now need to give you the local anaesthetic and it will sting when it goes in'.  That is an UNDERSTATEMENT, it really hurt when it went in and then it felt like the needle was pushing on my bone and it was nasty. I was so thankful I was holding the radiologist's hand. Then he said, I just need to leave the needle in while we do another scan to make sure it's in the right place.  WHAT? You're gonna leave this sticking in me?!  Yep.

I had another scan and then he took the needle out and had to press on the area and sort of distribute the local aneasthetic.  He then told me that the biopsy would sound like a staple gun which was the same as I had in my boob eight years ago and he demonstrated the noise so I would be ready for it.

He then said, 'I'm putting the needle in now and you feel some pressure on your chest' which I did and he asked me if it was painful, which, thankfully, it wasn't.  Then he told me he was going to take the biopsy - OMG - the noise went off and pushed onto my bone and surprised the hell out of me and THAT HURT - not as bad as if there no anaesthetic, but still pretty painful.  That happened twice and then he took it out to have a look.  He said it looked like he had a good sample and I was relieved, but then said, 'I would like to do it again'. Fun times.  So the whole thing happened again, and then he withdrew the biopsy needle  for a second time and said 'I just need to clean you up otherwise the nurses will tell me off, and I'll put a plaster on'.  I then asked 'do you have a plaster with a smiley face which says 'I've been a big, brave girl?'' - they both laughed and said 'no, but we could do with some of those' and then with all seriousness, he said, 'you have been very brave'.  Honestly, I felt I was about eight years old again at the dentist!  It made me laugh. 

I then opened my eyes (after it was all over) and they were both covered head to toe in lead lined outfits - they looked so heavy.

I thanked them both so much and was so grateful to them.  The consultant then said 'oh, can we just take a final slice?' WHAT??!!  OMG.... I said 'er, what do you mean 'slice'?' and he sort of laughed and said, 'oh, I mean just the top slice of your body for a CT scan...maybe I need to be careful of the words I use' - yep, that's for sure!!

I then had to get off the scanner and back onto the bed.  The back pain was so bad my legs nearly buckled from under me and I had to grab onto Phil.

I had to wait for a porter (Billy, who took me there in the first place - he was really sweet) to wheel me to a ward for obs, which the radiologist had said would have to be for FOUR HOURS!  Crikey, I was amazed, as it's been four hours when I've had a general before, but was surprised it was this long for a local.  I asked if I could have a cup of tea now and she said yes, so I was looking forward to that.  However, there was then confusion as to where I was going back to, so I ended up waiting in a corridor with Phil and Billy for 30 mins... Bless Billy, he knew I was really hungry and went onto one of the wards and grabbed three packets of biscuits for me and I wolfed down three custard creams in one go.  And relax!

Back on the ward

I ended up back on the day case ward, but I had to be screened off as the ward only had men on it and I was the only woman.  I got back to the ward just after 1pm.  Mum was wondering what had happened to me as I'd been nearly two hours.  I told her the story and although the procedure had only taken about 20-25 mins, there was just lots of hanging around.

The nurse did my obs every 15 mins for the first hour and said I could take sips of water and have some food in an hour's time.  Oops, I don't think I was meant to have those custard creams!!

My blood pressure was low (95/65) so they had to keep an eye on it.  I had a headache and was allowed some paracetamol and was then able to take my anti-depressant too!!

Phil then came in and said I had a choice of food, either toad in the hole or beef madras with rice and naan.  Crikey, an NHS curry - what was this going to be like??

To be fair, it was bloody great and I wolfed it down while listening to a man on the opposite side of the ward having some fluid drained from his lungs!! Told you there wasn't much privacy.

I was very grateful of my screen around me when I needed the loo and was told that I couldn't get up and go to the toilet but would have to use a bed pan.  Oh dear.  First time using one of those.  What a palava - I won't go into details, but it was all a bit awkward and VERY weird.  I was already looking forward to getting back home to one of my own toilets! hahahaha.

I had said to mum earlier that she didn't need to wait for the four hours as I would just be lay there, however, she said, 'I'm happy to wait if you want', and I looked at her, and said, 'it would be great if you could'.  Just knowing she was there, even though I lay there with my eyes closed and relaxed and she was reading a magazine helped me massively.  We also had a heart to heart about things and she asked me if I was expecting the news when I received it - in all honesty, I wasn't.  I knew something wasn't right with my chest, but to be told the 'incurable news', was just a total shock.

Then at 5pm I had my final obs checks including one when I stood up (and my pulse read 113 so she took it manually instead and it was 89), she took out the cannula and we were able to go home.

It seemed odd walking down the corridors after being wheeled around and knowing so much had gone on that day, but daddy was there to pick us up and it was dark when we left.

It was great to get home into the arms of Timmy for even more, but this time home-made, curry (yum).

Home, and breathe.  I survived.

My follow up oncologist appointment is on Monday 23 Jan....  Until next time. xx

#TeamGirls

The date

So I am no longer a bingo virgin (another 'first at 40') and last night was spent with some of my fab choir buddies at the Gala bingo hall.  Crikey - it's a HUGE place and we kept getting 'shhh'd', we hadn't realised you had to be so quiet.  Not great when you are meeting for a good old natter and catch up!!

The saving grace was that I won two full houses, so my £7 investment, returned £80 in winnings. Boom.  Not bad for a night's work!

Poor Timmy is home today as he has got an absolute stinker of a cold and I've never heard him sneeze so much and so violently, and he never takes time off so he must be poorly.  I'm also feeling tired and down today.... My back is now really, really hurting...I still can't drive as it's too painful and I was generally feeling fed up. Dad has been my taxi even more than usual as he's been driving me to and from work.

Then, this morning I had a phone call from the CT department at Worcester Royal Hospital.  My biopsy is this Thursday (well, it's one way of getting out of audit which will be taking place at work!!!).  

It all sounds a lot more involved than we were expecting!!

When I had the biopsy for my initial breast cancer diagnosis, I was given an injection of local anaesthetic into my boob and then my consultant used an ultrasound and a long sort of staple gun with a needle on the end to take a sample of tissue in my boob .  It also sounded like a staple gun when it went off - it was really loud!!  

But for this one I was told that I will need to go to the 'day case' area at 8am and then the procedure has been booked in for 11am.   She asked if I'd had bloods done for 'clotting' (everyone's favourite word!!!), - jesus, what are they going to be doing to me??!!!!

I said I'd had bloods taken for lots of things, but wasn't sure if that was one.  She said she would check and ring me back.  I asked if she could call today to let me know as I don't work on Tuesdays so could go up to the hospital to get some done if needs be.

I told Tim.  My stomach started going over.  What if I have to have another general anaesthetic?  That will be four in 12 months and after the last one I nearly puked everywhere as I was so unbelievably anxious when I came round from my op! Non-fun times.

Tim asked if I needed to go 'nil by mouth'.  It wasn't even something I'd considered, so when the lady from the CT department called me back to say I would need to go and get bloods done at the hospital today, I asked.  She said, 'oh that's a good question, let me check'.  She did and then said, yes, I would need to be nil by mouth.  Crikey.  Thank goodness Tim had mentioned it as I probably would have tried to have some brekkie and a cuppa before heading off early doors to the hospital.

#TeamGirls

I told the girls that I needed to go for bloods today and as Susie needed some too so said she could take me up there after we met Jen for lunch.

I wasn't really feeling it at all when Suze came to pick me up.  I was down, tired, anxious.  We went to pick up Helen (as she's had to change her days this week and so now free today, yay) and we were off to the Countryside Centre to meet with Jen on her lunch break as she is working nearby.  It was nice to spend time with the girls,  I filled them in on the biopsy chat and apologised for not being myself today. Jen had to head back to work and then Susie drove H and I to the hospital.  

Now, I've spoken about blood tests before and my absolute love of them (NOT!!!), but most of the time, they are fine.  But today, for some reason, I had a feeling things weren't going to go well.  I also started to get really anxious beforehand.  

When I was called through, the nurse seemed to take ages finding my details on the system.  In the meantime, Susie was called through and seemed to be done and dusted pretty quickly.  He was prodding around at my vein for ages (I HATE that bit) and then went in - I flinched badly, which I don't normally and then he started prodding again, I closed my eyes and started deep breathing then he uttered the magic words 'it's not working, I'm going to have to try somewhere else'.  He took out the needle and that was it.  The flood gates absolutely opened.  I was practically inconsolable, the nurses must have wondered what on earth was wrong.

Susie came rushing over and held my hand and put her arms around my shoulders and I sobbed my heart out.  Another nurse wanted to then try for my bloods.  All I wanted to do was run away and shout 'no' but I knew I needed to do it before Thursday, so she had a go and Suze stayed with me, held my hand and helped me breathe through it.  The nurse dug it right in as my veins still weren't playing and when she was done, I just broke down and sobbed again.  To be fair, it's the first time I've cried, and it had to happen at some point.

Suze took me out into the corridor and H was looking after Lukey while Suze was looking after me.  'Do you both want to come for a brew and a biscuit at mine?' Suze said, 'yes please', we replied.  Nothing that a good old cuppa can't fix.  It's just what I needed and felt so much better afterwards. We are #TeamGirls. Lucas even decided to take some pics of us trying on funny glasses and he was quite adept at taking his own selfie too - he's only 3 and a half! 

Suze then drove us both home and I was having my hair cut and it was nice to be pampered.  I spoke to my lovely hairdresser Claire about it too.  Now I feel shattered, and am slightly worried I've got a bit of a sore throat coming on!!

So think of me on Thursday, I'll let you know how it goes!  GULP