Small steps

I like driving in my car, it's not quite a jaguar

So this last week a couple of small things have happened which have made me feel a bit more independent and 'relatively' normal again...

Work

It was only by an extra hour and a half but I increased my time at work yesterday.  I'm seeing how I go and will hopefully build up to my contracted hours slowly.

Work have been totally great, understanding and patient with me (thank goodness) and have let me work at my own pace.  As my pain is more manageable, I am able to sit at my desk for longer.   I'm wondering if I'll get to a point where I cycle to work again as I miss that....it's a great bit of exercise, 7 miles a day (and uphill on the way home).

I'm still not that comfortable thinking about doing cardio exercise, but what I need to do is try small bits and see how I get on.  Saying that, we had some new dance moves to one of our choir songs last night and I tried to go for it - it was ok, but I did have some pain (darn it).  I am a right disco diva so to not be able to dance is hard for me.

Beep, beep

I also drove for the first time in two months this weekend....whoop.... Well, I did once I'd sorted out my car, which was totally flat (not even the central locking would work to let me in).  Green Flag diagnosed my 'Mega Fuse' had blown!  Tell me about it (in life, as in my car!).  Thankfully, it only cost £5.50 for a new one. Phew.

I had to give the car a bit of a drive as the battery was totes flat so Timmy and I went to Waitrose in Droitwich - I dropped him off to fetch a few bits for our Chinese Eve on Saturday with the Worc crew and I drove up the A38 to charge it up.  It's generally ok, but my chest hurts when I put it in fifth gear (as it needs a bit of a push to get it there in my eight year old Volvo) so I'll stick to fourth unless absolutely necessary.  It did feel good being behind the wheel again though.

Fundraising

Susie and I have also started discussing our next couple of fundraising events and it's good to have something to focus on.  Suze has agreed to take more of the reins this time as my spreadsheeting got a bit too much in the run up to the SnowBall last December #excelbore

In other news....

I'm really chuffed that I've got no bruises from my monthly injections this time. Mind you, I still have the marks where the significant bruises from the first monthly jabs were.  The nurse was a lot slower in administering the drugs so I think that helped.

What I'm not raving about however are my hot flushes!  Crikey o' reilly - they seem a lot worse than last time.  They are still really impacting on my sleep.  As someone who's generally a pretty good sleeper, I'm finding the disturbed nights hard to deal with.  I'm sympathising with parents right now!! My friend Corinna calls them power surges, in which case, I am definitely She-Ra the Princess of Power at the moment!!

The Princess of Power (Surges?)

So lent begins tomorrow.... Now, I normally give up crisps and all snack based crispy items (e.g twiglets, poppadoms etc) for 40 days and 40 nights. Even thought I'm not religious, it's because crisps are my absolute downfall (especially salt and vinegar), I eat sooooo many of them, so to prove to myself I can go without them, I usually give them up for lent.  But this year, guess what, that can jog right on!  It's crisp-tastic time in the Butler household throughout lent as far as I'm concerned!

My favourite....just saying!

Oh!

Something I forgot to mention. Last week I got in touch with my breast consultant.  I'd completely forgotten to ask my oncologist (even though it was on my pre-prepared question list), but I wasn't sure if I needed to be worried about developing any primary cancers now that I'm in secondary territory.  So I asked the question and, quite rightly, he said 'Kate, I'm a breast consultant, of course I'm going to tell you to continue to be breast aware'.  Although he said that it is unlikely to happen, there is still a possibility so, as I said to him, it'll be back to the monthly shower boob check then! I thought I might have got rid of that.  While I mention it, have you checked yours recently?? Women AND men.  If not, promise me you'll do it as soon as poss!!  Here's what you're looking for....

The best way to do it is with the flatness of your fingers, rather than prodding yourself.  Get right in there!

And, changing the subject, I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that I've checked with the laser hair clinic and they've spoken to the Dr associated with the clinic and they've said I'm ok to continue with my armpit hair treatment!  I bet that's a relief to you all.

Did I mention that we've booked to go to Espana at the end of March??? Ohhhhh yes! Get in.

Until next time, adios amigos. xx

Holiday-a-go-go

Weekend fun times

After what was a totally brilliant weekend, full of.....

At the Worcester Wolves with our foam fingers!

Getting into the spirit of it singing at Worcester Warriors

All together now....

With an Exeter Chief, Sue and Christina pitchside

Yay, BUE fundraising and singing at the Worcester Warriors

My gorgeous girls at Cote Brasserie

• taking Scarlett to her first basketball match (and the Worcester Wolves won!!) on Friday;
• having a photo shoot with the fab Worcester crew (including little man, Lucas) at Sub Studio;
• singing with my brill choir (Got2Sing) at the Worcester Warriors to raise money for the Worcesteshire Breast Unit Haven whilst also indulging a couple of ales with Sue and Susie;
• a large night out, getting dressed up and drinking too much gin and wine and stuffing myself with three courses with the Worcester crew the same evening at the newly opened Cote Brasserie; and 
• spending a lovely Sunday with Timmy visiting our friends Nick and Jo and the newest addition to their family Conor, while having a gorgeous lunch;

......it was back to reality with a trip to visit Mr P for my first oncology review meeting and monthly jabs on Monday morning.

Well, when I say Monday morning, we arrived at 10.15 and didn't leave until 14.55 !!

Walkies

I was really proud of myself.

Instead of parking at the hospital I asked Timmy if we could park at Tescos and walk up to the hospital (it's just under a mile).  Tim was really pleased as that isn't something I would have suggested a month ago as walking has been too tiring and painful.

The walk was actually really nice, and, although pretty exhilarating in the windy conditions, was quite sunny and warm.

We arrived at 10.15am and headed up to Rowan Suite where we sat down waiting for my appointment at 10.30am.

As usual the waiting room was full of old people....

At about 10.35am out popped my fab friend Helen (see our Rowan Suite selfie below) and her ace husband Tony (part of our Worcester crew), who'd been in to see the hematologist today.  She told me what was going on with her (which sounds crap) and then we photo'd, hugged and she went off for more blood tests.  She'd got in 10 mins before her appointment time, so I was hopeful that we wouldn't be waiting for too long.... famous last thoughts....

Rowan Suite is where it's at on a Monday morning

At 11.05am, the waiting room was getting really full and as my injections were booked in for 11.30am, I thought I'd better let the receptionist know (as I wasn't sure if she'd booked me in for both appointments).  It was a good job I said, as she told me I needed to trot down the Rowan Suite corridor to check in with the chemo treatment team (where there is a separate waiting room).

I toddled down and checked in with one of the nurses.  I explained that I was 'here' but still waiting for my 10.30am appointment so I might be delayed for my jabs (as I wasn't sure when I was going to get in to see Dr P).  I headed back to the main waiting room.  I started and finished a medium sudoku puzzle while Tim was preparing for a job interview he's got this week making some notes and jotting down interview questions.

At 11.20 I went up to the receptionist again as I'd seen a sign that said 'if you've been waiting for 30 minutes, please inform reception'.  She took my details and went to find out what was happening. She came back and said I was in next.  At about 11.40 I got into see Dr P.

Can we?

After greeting each other, one of the first things he said was 'have you had your jabs yet?', to which I replied 'er no, as I thought I had to wait for my calcium level results', he said, 'are you having your Zoladex injection here or at the surgery?' and I said 'well here unless I'm told otherwise'.  I had no idea what was going on.  I didn't even realise I could have my Zoladex at the surgery.  He said, 'right, ok, I'll have to prescribe it, hang on a minute'... So he headed out of the room briefly to do just that with the chemo nurses.  He confirmed that my calcium levels from my Friday bloods were fine.

We then chatted about the pain, and I told him how it was still hurting but was way more manageable than before and that the morphine was helping.  What I didn't elaborate on was the horrendous constipation that accompanies all my drugs and the need for the gloved finger recently - but I'm not going into that detail as I'm sure you can imagine for yourself... Needless to say, it wasn't very pleasant, but my goodness, was it a relief!!!! NICE!!

Then Tim and I went through our list of questions that I keep in a little book:

Q. When would I have the scan to see if the treatment is working?
A. Not yet, as it will be too early to determine if it is working as I've only been on the hormone treatment for four weeks

Q. Do I need the 'back cement'? (vertebroplasty)
A. Only if I am still in a lot of pain as my collapsed spine should get used to its new position on its own (weird!) but if it's still giving me gip then they would look into this.

Q. Did you take a further look at my biopsy to try and determine if it is HER2+?
A. Yes, the sample was sent off for further investigation to the Birmingham hospital, but they confirmed the same, that there wasn't enough of the sample to determine whether it's HER2...

Tim said, 'there are now bits of you all over the West Midlands'....yep, interesting thought.

Q. What does this mean then?
A. Well, if my liver 'lesions' (ie tumours) don't react to the hormone treatment I'm currently on, then I will have to have a liver biospy to look at its constitution (eek)

Q. What sort of exercise can I do with my current bone issues?
A. Anything you want as long as it doesn't hurt.... (hmmmm)

Q. Will my monthly blood tests keep monitoring my CA135 levels (which is a breast cancer marker)?
A. My CA135 will be looked at for the next couple of months as sometimes it moves up or down, but, apparently, my CA135 levels weren't raised much in the first place so this might be a good indicator for me

Q. Would physiotherapy help with knowing what sort of position I should 'hold myself' because I have aching pains across the top of my back but I can't tell if it's because of the cancer or the way I'm sitting/standing to counteract the chest pain
A. Er, no, basically as the resources are already pretty stretched in the phsyio teams and they don't really assist with that sort of thing

Statement: I've got terrible hot flushes, worse than when I was previously on Tamoxifen
A. Yes, well you've gone from 'normal' to basically 'menopausal' in a short space of time and will feel the menopausal effects.... SIGH.

In fact, my flushes are so bad at the moment that we've had to change back to our summer duvet as I get incredibly hot at night and can't handle the winter duvet with jersey duvet cover!! Scorchio.  It also means that my sleeping has been very on and off which isn't great.  And what doesn't help with hot flushes, spicy food or alcohol - SIGH AGAIN!!!

Last question....

Q. Can we go on holiday at the end of March?
A. Yes.....

YIPPPPPEEEEEE...... Spain is looking likely (we loooove Spain) and possibly somewhere we've been before so we don't feel that we have to 'see everything' and 'do everything on offer' as we will have done it before and can just chill.  The only trouble is I will have to stay covered due to my radiotherapy as those areas will be super sensitive to the sun.  I can see a new hat coming on.

So that was that, I have to see him for another review in four weeks (when I will have my jabs again as well).  We were out by 12pm and headed down to the chemo waiting room ready for my jabs.

WAITING room

I mentioned to the nurses that we were now 'there' and available for the jabs.  The waiting room was really busy as they had lots of people in and a lack of chairs for people to sit having their chemo.  For those of you who (thankfully) don't know, a chemo session can take up to five hours as the drugs are administered over a slow period of time, mine usually took between three and four hours when I had it before.

A lovely nurse called Helen came into see us about 10 mins after we'd been sat there and said, 'Kate your injections aren't up here yet, they'll be about 20 mins or so'.  As we were starving we asked if we could pop down and get a cuppa from the hospital Costa, and she said yes.  Little did we know when we got back that the chemo nurse came round the waiting room with hot drinks and biscuits!!

Anyway, it was nice to get out of Rowan suite temporarily and have a hot drink and some cake.  We didn't go full lunch as we thought we'd probably be home for 1pm... We had been planning to the go to the Bull Inn (our local pub) for a fish goujons lunch, oh, but the hospital had plans for us...

So we headed back upstairs to the chemo waiting room (again) at about 12.35pm and sat there (again).  At about 1pm we were called through into the little room where I had my jabs before, we sat there for 15 mins or so and the nurse came in and said 'your Zoladex injection has arrived, but we haven't got any Denosumab in stock, so we've had to order that and it will be about another 30 mins'. !!!  Helen did say that I could have the Zoladex now and have the Denosumab later, but I just wanted them both at the same time.

At this point we decided to go and have some lunch in the hospital cafe (which is a lot cheaper than Costa!).  Had we known, we would have taken our own lunch with us.  On the plus side, we did get to see Juney as she had started her volunteer shift on the Worcestershire Breast Unit Haven charity stand at the entrance to the hospital at 1.30pm, so we were filling her in on everything that had been going on.

We went back upstairs after about 30 mins or so, and were eventually called through and the jabs were ready.  I had to confirm my name, date of birth and address and the two nurses did the checks between them to ensure they were giving me the right jabs and also rechecked my calcium levels from my blood results.

The larger jab (with the implant), the Zoladex, wasn't too bad at all this time, but the other one which is just a usual liquid injection really stung.  Both went into my stomach, but so far don't appear to have caused too much bruising.  My previous injections caused terrible bruising which only went down at the end of last week, just in time for these new ones.

It was about 2.45pm when we left Rowan suite (after I had picked up some more calcium medication and booked my next appointments in a month's time).  The nurse was really apologetic and thanked us for our patience.  But there was nothing that could have been done and we didn't really have any other plans for today.

We went to speak to mum again on the charity stand and I gave myself a big, brave sticker, this time, a rainbow (it was that sort of day), then we left the hospital at 2.55pm.  In there nearly five hours.  It's a good job Timmy isn't working at the moment so he could spend all that time with me.

Paint the whole world with a rainbow

Needless to say, after missing out on lunchtime cod goujons, we went the whole hog and ordered fish and chips from the Bull's takeaway F&C shop for our dinner.  It was lovely.  We even split a Worcester Sourcer ale!

The next thing will be booking the holiday....WAHOO!

Until next time my lovelies. xxx

Big, brave girl

A sight for sore eyes

This week hasn't been too bad.  Still tired, still got an aching back, but not as bad as it was before. The trouble has been on and off sleeping, especially with the hot flushes brought on by my hormone tablets!

We've got Scarlett, my ten year old niece, visiting this week, as she's on half term.  She's staying with mum and dad and who should I see waving at me from my office window but her gorgeous, smiley face on Thursday morning.  I squealed and jumped out of my seat.  Kev said, 'is that Scarlett?', 'yes' I replied and ran out of my office to the biggest hug from her.  It was literally one of the best things to ever to happen to me at work.

She told me that everyone in Leeds sends their love. What a sweetheart.

My beautiful niece, Scarlett

Ironically, it was the same day in December 2016 (Scarlett's 10th b'day), only a few hours after I'd Wattsapp'd the girls saying it was Scarlett's b'day, and how I couldn't believe she was ten, and that when I was initially diagnosed she was only 21 months old and she gave me something to live for, that I then received my second diagnosis phone call! Bizarre.  Although I will always think of that day in December as Scarlett's b'day and not dwell on the other anniversary it now represents!!

Yesterday we took her bouldering at Worcester's newest indoor climbing centre.  It was awesome and she got really good at it, although has been left with sore hands as a result!

Off she goes....

Nearly there....

Done it!

Ow! Plenty of germolene was applied

I was her official supervisor at the centre and it was great to watch her as it helped take my mind off other stuff for one thing, although I really wanted to have a go at it too, but obviously couldn't.

Three years ago

Today is the anniversary of Tim and I both quitting our jobs before embarking on our three month journey around South America (aka Project Maracas), where we took in Chile, Argentina, Peru, Easter Island, Bolvia and Brazil.  What an experience that was.  I had been under huge pressure in my job as a financial services project manager for a company that couldn't really care less about me.  Tim's company was also moving in an IT direction that he didn't want to follow so we had a huge chat about stuff and thought, 'life's too short' and as we'd never extensively travelled when we were younger, decided to leave our ordinary lives behind and embark on an adventure, not knowing what we would do when we got back, but who cares, right?!

I'm so glad that we took that opportunity as who knows if we'll get that option again.  We're both still really keen to spend some time in New Zeland so hopefully we can do that.  In the meantime, we are thinking about heading to Spain at the end of March for some sun and red wine.

Wonder Woman 2

This afternoon I had to go for my blood tests (which are required 72 hours prior to my next jabs on Monday after my appointment with my oncologist).

I was bricking it because I've been a disaster area with my recent blood tests, so I was having panic attacks and spent most of the morning on the toilet - joy!  I just wanted them to be over.

Tim took me to the Drs and thankfully it was the nurse who I've had for bloods before and she's brilliant at them.  I'd been keeping my arm warm all morning so that the veins stayed juicy (bleugh!).  She was great as she asked me how I was with blood tests and I said my previous couple had been a bit nightmarish and so she said, don't worry, we'll lie you back and talk about nice things, so we chatted about the weekend.

She managed to get the needle in but did have to wiggle around to get the flow going (yowzers), but it wasn't too bad and I was grateful to her for putting me at ease.  It then decided to bleed quite a lot so I ended up with a gauze rather than a simple plaster! Afterwards I treated myself to a Wonder Woman sticker and a new pack of Sharpie pens (easily pleased!!).

Wonder Woman

Oooo, pens.

I've now decided that despite being 40 years old I am going to have a brave girl sticker each time I have a yukky hospital related appointment and it just so happens that my Uni girls brought me some stickers last weekend and my friend Gemma has given me some Unicorn stickers, so depending on whether I'm feeling like a superhero or a fantasy beast will drive my sticker of choice.

So until the next time, may be the force be with you..... xx

Shit head

Feeling cheated

This past week, since finishing radiotherapy, I've been thinking...a lot...and sometimes that's a baaaad thing! I've also been feeling pretty angry.

The phrase that keeps coming to my mind is 'false hope'.

Only those who have experienced primary and now facing secondary, incurable cancer will understand this, so I'll try and explain to those of you fortunate enough not to be in this crappy situation.

Going through cancer is totally crap...the first thing you think is 'am I going to die?'....thankfully treatment has moved on massively meaning that many people will live for many years post diagnosis.

Once I finished my primary breast cancer treatment (surgery, chemo, radio), I felt a bit lost to begin with as you live in a cycle of hospital appointments, treatments, check ups and you're in a 'cancer' bubble for quite a few months, but suddenly that just ends! You may be on hormone tablets every day for a number of years and will receive an annual check up but apart from that you are left to get on with it and try and get back to 'normal'.  That bit is then really hard.

What is normal? Can I ever feel the same again? Will there be a day when cancer isn't the first thing I think about?  All I can say is that you find your new normal, and some things will never be the same (I always saw my life in two phases: BC (before cancer) and AC (after cancer)). But what WILL happen is that eventually it won't consume your every thought, every day and it won't be the first thing you think when you wake up.

As time moved on and I finished my tamoxifen tablets after five years I started feeling hope about a longer term future with Timmy, although I was still anxious about booking things too far in advance (holidays, concerts etc), but I was starting to think that we could make it to retirement and have loads of fun and maybe live a long and happy life.  This was what I now call my 'false hope' as all that has been taken away from me.

I'm still not sure what to call this phase of my life... RC (return of cancer), FHIB (fucking hell, it's back), YGTBKM (you've got to be kidding me) ??  If you've got any suggestions, feel free to comment below.

Empathy?? I've got to get this off my chest

This also happened a lot when I was first diagnosed, and it doesn't surprise me since the Breast Unit charity's tagline is 'everybody knows somebody', because most people do know someone who's had breast/other cancers. But why do people think I want to hear about it?

Unless you've experienced cancer yourself, you obviously can't be sympathetic to someone else who is going through cancer, but if you haven't then you can TRY and show some empathy.  Walk a mile in my shoes.  This, however, does NOT mean retelling stories of people you know who've had cancer, and it CERTAINLY doesn't mean you telling me you know people who have died of cancer.

I mean, really?? I've been told I've got terminal cancer and I'm busy trying to deal with my own problems.

I think some people tell me so they think we have some common ground to talk about, or it might make them think they understand, or they might compare how I'm dealing with it, to how the person they know is dealing with it, but, right now, all I really need to care about is what I'm dealing with, and what my family and friends are having to deal with.

PLEASE note, this certainly does NOT apply to anyone who has had or is going through cancer treatment themselves (unless you are telling me about people you know who have died!....I just don't wanna hear it).

Do I want to be in denial about the fact I'm going to face an early death, of course I bloody do.  I'm only 40 years old FFS!

And....BREATHE!

The F word

I've been getting pretty angry this past week too and just feeling a bit pissed off.  My pain is much more manageable now, which is great, but my chest still hurts and my side is tender and I can't walk too far. Hurumph.

I've also been thinking a lot about my funeral! EEK.... When I wake up at night I often think about it, but not in a really sad, depressing way, more in a 'what I'd like to happen at it' type way.  The one thing that does make me sad though is knowing how sad others will be.  Obvs for me, I won't see any of that, but thinking about that makes me sad.

My uni girls visited this weekend (more on that later), but as I was sat with my friend Nicola on the sofa while Ang and Tim were chatting in the kitchen I got upset and said how angry and pissed off I'd felt this week and can't believe I'll be the first one of our group to 'go'. It's a totally shit situation.

Sozza, that's a bit sad and depressing, but it's how I'm feeling.  It also made my mascara run so I looked like a right nightmare!

Counselling

I've spoken to my breast care nurse a couple of times over the past ten days or so as Tim had said to me that he would like to speak to a counsellor about our situation.  That really made me sad when he said that because it makes it so 'real'.

Tim takes everything in his stride and doesn't get het up or stressed (it's why we get on so well cos we're complete opposites) and he very rarely gets angry or emotional, but obviously it must be incredibly hard from him.  If it was the other way round I would be in bits!  But he's doing the right thing in getting some help, especially from an objective observer.

I thought it would be fairly straight forward in terms of getting some counselling but it doesn't really seem like it...

Apparently Breast Cancer Care offer counselling to partners, but it is via telephone, but Tim doesn't really like being on the phone and would rather speak to someone face to face.  The Breast Cancer Haven at the Worcester Breast Unit doesn't offer counselling for partners yet, but the Haven at Hereford does, but it takes an hour to get to Hereford and, as I know, counselling is absolutely exhausting so he doesn't really fancy driving for an hour after that.

Macmillan used to offer free counselling via Relate (the couples' counsellor) but that now costs £50 per session.

There might be a possibility with our local hospice so we'll see if they can help.

We honestly thought there would be some free counselling locally where Tim could just go and talk through how he's feeling..... Answers on a postcard please.

Swallow?

After thinking I'd got away fairly scott free with the radiotherapy (apart from some tiredness), on Thursday evening I found it really hard to swallow (queue several dirty thoughts from a lot of my readers I'm sure! hahahaha)... But it's awful.  It feels like there's a lump in my throat which is stopping food going down it and tea and alcohol burns.

Tim did some investigating on Macmillan and it said that radio to the chest could cause difficulty swallowing and may mean I get a swollen airway 10 days to 2 weeks after the treatment.  Now when I was having the radio, they said I might experience that a couple of days after treatment, I didn't expect it to happen over a week later!

The advice from Macmillan was to not have things food and drink which irritates and includes:

• Hot drinks
• Alcohol
• Spicy food
• Dry food

I mean, really?  The first three are basically my diet.  So some honey and lemon and lots of water while eating has been taking place.

I had my amazing Uni friends to visit this weekend, which was awesome.  I was slightly nervous about it because spending a lot of time talking (which we do a lot of when we get together) really tires me out, and we had been planning a Worcester night out, but on Friday night (after my amazing friend from school came to visit for the day) I was shattered and I didn't think I was going to be able to cope with it.

Ang had picked up Nic from Manchester airport on Friday night (as Nic now lives in Italy) and then drove down to our house Sat morning and then Timmy took us into town to meet Mez and Rach (as they'd all arranged to take me out for lunch without me having to do anything...yay).   We went to G&Tea (I've not been there before) and we had an amazing prosecco afternoon tea.  Sadly I couldn't really drink much prosecco, or tea, cos of my swollen throat, but the sandwiches and cakes were amazing (although I had to chew them up quite small) and I had some water to swill it all down my gullet!  They'd also brought some lovely helium balloons and lots of pressies wrapped in paper covered in photos of us all which Meredith had made.  It was awesome.  The pressies included gin too which was even better!

Being a presumptuous and cheeky cow, I'd said earlier in the week, 'if you're thinking of bringing anything at the weekend, please don't bring chocolates as I've been inundated with them' - ha. Cheeky mare.

Meredith and Rach had to leave after the tea (and headed back to Reading and Wales respectively). I'd said to Ang and Nic I wasn't ready for an evening night out, so Timmy made dinner for us and then we proceeded to try and remember how to play Shit Head.  Shit Head is a card game we played a lot in our first year of Uni halls of residence (when we weren't out on the beer) cos none of us had a TV (OMG - how OLD are we??!!).

It was so funny and we had such a good laugh and it was totally the tonic I needed.  In my own house surrounded by people I love....

Thankfully it's Sunday and my anger has subsided, so on that note I'll leave you with some piccies of my most awesome friends and sign off...

Love to all. xx

Pressies in my own wrapping paper....yay

Tea for 5

Cheers

Snowdrops

Nuts

Girls in Worcester Cathedral

How do we play shit head?  It's been 23 years....

Loser

Shit head x 2

Shit head x 3

Not a shit head (well in this game anyway!!!)

Pure poetry... The end of radiotherapy

Red

Wednesday's radiotherapy treatment was at 8.30am! I totally forgot how bad the traffic is on the way to the hospital at that time of the morning so we got there just in time.

I reported to reception and I was told I was checked in.  I noticed that there was a board saying that one of the machines was delayed (although not my machine), but it didn't surprise me when it came round to 9am and I still hadn't been called in.

Tim had already been to the hospital pharmacy to pick up my new set of tablets to help with my pinched nerve and I was still waiting to be seen when he arrived in the Oncology centre.

At about 9.10am I checked my phone (which was in my bag, on silent - I am notorious for this) and saw a missed call from a Worcester number I didn't recognise.  I started to phone the voicemail when Tim told me my name had been called.  So I dropped my stuff with Timmy and headed over to Gavyn... He said he'd just tried to call me because the team had been asking where I was and whether I was normally on time. He'd told them that I was, but apparently, it transpired, that the receptionist hadn't actually signed me in on the system so I ended up going in 45 mins later than I should have for no reason. And it was only because Gavyn had come out into the waiting room to double check in case I was there that I actually got in!

There was an old man who had been brought down on a bed for treatment who looked terrible (poor thing) and had an oxygen tank with him.  Then there's me who breezes down the corridor almost looking like I've not got a care in the world, but obvs that's not the case.  At least I don't take too long in the room as I am mobile so, although it's difficult to lie down because of the pain, I can at least do it myself.  It must be really hard work for the radiotherapists with a lot of patients.

When I'd finished I had a headache and felt really, really tired.  I decided not to go into work and sat on the sofa. The next thing I knew, I'd been asleep for an hour and half...and I don't sleep in the day, think it's all catching up on me.

In bed on Weds eve I was reading Red magazine - Tim had picked up a free copy of it when working in B'ham last week.  I haven't read Red for years...when I was younger I remember reading a copy of it thinking 'that's an older woman's magazine', but I suppose now I'm 40 I am that older woman and I was actually enjoying it.

I was reading an article about the poet Lemn Sissay  - his life story is fascinating.  It also included one of his poems which moved me so much that I started crying in bed and got really emotional. Most people know that I'm not a big cryer, so maybe it was the hormones, I don't know, but it really got to me as I thought it was beautiful and made me think of Tim... see for yourself:

Invisible Kisses by Lemn Sissay

If there was ever one

Whom when you were sleeping

Would wipe your tears

When in dreams you were weeping;

Who would offer you time

When others demand;

Whose love lay more infinite

Than grains of sand.

If there was ever one

To whom you could cry;

Who would gather each tear

And blow it dry;

Who would offer help

On the mountains of time;

Who would stop to let each sunset

Soothe the jaded mind.

If there was ever one

To whom when you run

Will push back the clouds

So you are bathed in sun;

Who would open arms

If you would fall;

Who would show you everything

If you lost it all.

If there was ever one

Who when you achieve

Was there before the dream

And even then believed;

Who would clear the air

When it's full of loss;

Who would count love

Before the cost.

If there was ever one 

Who when you are cold

Will summon warm air

For your hands to hold;

Who would make peace

In pouring pain,

Make laughter fall

In falling rain.

If there was ever one

Who can offer you this and more;

Who in keyless rooms

Can open doors;

Who in open doors

Can see open fields

And in open fields

See harvests yield.

Then see only my face

In reflection of these tides

Through the clear water

Beyond the river side.

All I can send is love

In all that this is

A poem and a necklace

Of invisible kisses.

The last one

Thursday saw my last radiotherapy.  I had slept well on Wednesday night and got up and went to work for a few hours, but when I came home, I fell asleep again.

My shoulder blade (on the right) is now aching too (sigh).

Tim drove me up to the hospital and it wasn't long after I'd checked in (they did actually check me in this time) that I was called in to see the review radiographer.  I was having a review before my last radiotherapy.  She asked me how I'd been through the radiotherapy and whether I was in any pain or had any effects from the treatment.  Tiredness and some additional pain mainly.  She asked me if my appetite had been effected, er, no, that's for sure! #jabba!  She said she couldn't believe when she read my notes that it was so long in between my primary cancer and secondary diagnosis - yep, tell me about it!

I was in with her for five mins or so and then headed back to the waiting room.  About two mins later I was called through for my radiotherapy.  I was on machine 4 today. There was someone being zapped when I got there so had to sit on the chairs outside the room again.  I was soon in though and whipping my top off for all to see!

However, this time I was asked if I normally keep my bra on, uh oh!  To which I replied yes, and I started worrying that they should have asked me to take it off for the other treatments and that it may have got in the way of the zaps.  But she said, I just needed to take it off today to make the images clear (because I think they take a photo of your positioning before giving you the treatment and on a couple of occasions this week once they've taken the picture, they've come back in the room to re-position me in the right place!). Anyway, I asked if it would impact the actual radiotherapy and she assured me it wouldn't, and, come to think about it, when they zap my back, the radiation goes through the bed and mattress I'm lay on to have the treatment so I don't think some bra wire is gonna get in the way of that!

As I was lay there looking up at myself in the reflection of the machine, I thought, actually I've got quite a good pair of boobs, but what a shame they've caused me all this bloody hassle! Oh the irony!

I popped my clothes back on and said thank you to the treatment team.  I was given a leaflet with their numbers on in case I was worried about any after effects of treatment and they made sure that I had a follow up appointment (which I have with Dr P on 20 Feb).

I must say, all of the radiotherapy staff have been so lovely.  They are all really young too (or am I just getting old?!).

Timmy and I were pleased that I have finished, although I did say, in a way, it will be strange not going every day as it gives me some sort of reassurance that something is happening.

When we got home there was a huge box on our door step left by a courier (it's a good job we weren't out long as when we opened it all the stuff was perishable).  It was an amazing hamper of goodies bought by some lovely friends of ours for Tim and I.  It was full of ham, cheese, pickled onions, smoked salmon, steak pies, chutney... YUM. Ace.

We were meant to be going to Huntingdon Hall to see Rob Beckett (a comedian) in the evening, but we were both shattered and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting in H Hall all night as it's a really uncomfortable venue (an old church with upright pews) so we stayed in and had homemade pizza - yum.  Thanks Timmy.

Tea for two (or four)

Today I have felt much better in myself (although tired and achy) and even managed some cleaning! Rock and roll.  This afternoon I treated mum, dad and Tim to a prosecco high tea to say thanks so much for looking after me recently and for all the fetching and carrying.  I'm still not driving as it's too painful in my chest.

Cheers

Scones....fastest cake in the West....hahaha

We had a lovely time.

So here's to the weekend, I hope you all have a great one.

Much love as always. xx