Busy, busy

Wakey wakey

I'm actually starting to write this at 4am because, guess what, I'm awake again.  Crikey, I really miss my good nights' sleep!! Hot flushes are crap.

I've been a bit up and down over the past few weeks.  Mainly 'up', which is good, but some 'why me?' thoughts going off in my head as well as sadness.  In fact, I was contemplating a new magazine subscription recently, and the best deal was over two years and I honestly wondered whether it was worth it.  One of the reasons I didn't do it is because I wouldn't want to think of things with my name on them arriving in the post if I'm not here and upsetting Tim.  I told you this was going to be a emotional rollercoaster!!

I've been weaning myself off the anti-depressants over the last month too and I'm not sure if that has something to do with my mood swings.  I've honestly felt like I've been getting my usual hormonal 'bite someone's head off' feelings recently and have become pretty irritable and snappy at Timmy and my parents.  I hate it when I'm like that as I know I shouldn't be doing it, but can't help myself.  It's bloody awful.

The in-laws

Timmy and I went up to stay with his mum and dad a few weeks ago.  Tim's mum isn't able to drive long distances at the mo as she's had a lot of problems with her eyes (including a rip in her cornea....eeeeek).  It's the first time I've seen them since my re-diagnosis. It was lovely to see them. We've obviously spoken on the phone several times over the last few months, but Janet said she wanted to actually see me in the flesh to know that I'm doing as well as I say I am.

Tim was chatting to his dad in the lounge and I was talking to his mum in the kitchen.  I started relaying to Janet how my mum has been regularly asking about how Tim is really doing at the moment (with everything that's going on with me) as she worries about him too. The next thing I knew, I burst out crying.  Crikey.  Janet's shoulder got a bit wet as we hugged each other.  I said I was worried about how Timmy will be whenever anything happens to me as I can't even begin to imagine how I'd be feeling if this situation was reversed.  She said that they would look after him and make sure he was ok.  It's not a conversation you expect to have with your mother-in-law but this is the reality of living with secondary cancer and the inevitable.

On a brighter note, I won at Scrabble that evening so I was well chuffed!!  In fact, I put down a seven letter word as my starter! BOOM!!  We had a yummy dinner and home made apple pie too.  YUM!!

Colin has grown some sweet peas for me - he knows they are one of my favourites.  I can't wait for the them to come out in a couple of months - they make the garden smell so nice and I always pick bunches for the house and for my mum and nan too.

It's a London thing

On the Sunday evening of that weekend we saw our wonderful friends Andy and Louise (Andy was Tim's best man at our wedding) and their two children.

They stopped over with us on their way back from a holiday in Edinburgh, before the final journey back to London on Monday morning  Again, although we've spoken on the phone, it's the first time we've seen them since my re-diagnosis.  It was really great to see them, and I forget how it must be for people when they see me in the flesh for the first time (even though they've been following the blog and chatting to me etc), but Louise said a couple of times 'I can't believe it, you look so well'.

This is a common thing with cancer patients....until the treatment kicks in or the cancer really advances, then you do look yourself.  I am currently walking around with tumours inside me and a collapsed spine (which has really started hurting again by the way), but people would never necessarily know. It's quite weird really.

Believe me, I will start to look ill at some point, but while I'm still 'myself', it's probably best to not say '....but you look so well'... I'll be honest, it really doesn't help!!  However, if you say 'Kate, you look great/gorgeous/like a goddess/beautiful' not related to my illness then that's fine (if you mean it)!!! hahahahaha

Easter

What a totally lovely Easter we had.  Tim and I went to west Wales to stay on a farm which belongs to, and is run by, the parents of one of my best friends from University, Janneke.  Janneke and I lived together in London for six years after leaving Uni, and also bought a house together in Tooting - our first step on the property ladder.  She's ace.

Janneke was at the farm with her husband Nick and their three children (including my non-godson) so we cheekily invited ourselves there too.  It was great to spend time with them all the farm animals - including the three donkeys!!

One day old lamb

John, Edward (my non-godson) and Alex

Off on an adventure in the Welsh countryside

On the farm

Me and Janneke (together since 1994)

Lamb shed selfie

A trip to the coast

Timmy 'playing' golf by the coast with the boys while Janneke and I sat in the bar!

Over the Easter weekend, Tim and I were reminiscing about our amazing three month trip to South America, three years ago.  We spent Easter on Easter Island in the Pacific Ocean....how awesome is that??  We both said we are sooo glad we did that trip when we were fit and healthy (although Tim did pick up a parasite while we were in Peru and lost a stone!!! Jeez....), but we made so many incredible memories on that 'holiday' and some great friends too.

How far? It took 6 hours to fly there from Santiago (no other land in between!)

Greeted at the airport with lais

Outside our hotel room

A first glimpse at sunset of the moai

Dinner under the stars next to the ocean

The infamous moai

He looks happy

Check out the views

Swimming in the Pacific

The rest of Easter involved drinking quite a lot at Susie and Chris's BBQ - even though it was a bit chilly and we had a little bit of rain, it would not deter our Britishness in a bank holiday BBQ. Lots of fun.

Rain, what rain?

Regretting that later in the evening weren't you Flooze??

Keeping the chimnea alight

Lukey and the girls

Fun times

Hey big Spender

Something I've been doing more of recently is spending money!!  But hey, why TF not?!

I am totally obsessed with make up videos on You Tube (they are my guilty pleasure - Lisa Eldridge is my fave) so I like to buy new make up and skincare, but recently I've been going crazy for it!!  I've also bought more clothes recently too including some tops for the better weather from an amazing store called '&OtherStories'.  I got these in Leeds when we went up to see Dan and Scarlett.  Leeds is such a brilliant City - there are so many great shops and lovely arcades etc.  Worcester is very sadly lacking which is why I buy most of my stuff on the internet or at H&M on Worcester High Street.

New top

New top and jeans

I have a different view about spending my money on things that I really enjoy now!

Up North

We were up in Leeds watching Scarlett in one of the lead roles in a theatre production....Honestly, she was absolutely brilliant.  A real natural...I was so proud of her.  We had a great day.  Lunch, shopping, theatre and then dinner with Dan and Scarlett before coming home.  So great to spend time with the family.

Juney - remember the conversation about the yellow chicken??  I was crying with laughter...

Yay, Dan, me and Scarlett after the show, having some dinner

CHEESE

Dad's face says it all!!

Saw this out shopping in Leeds....don't mind if I do!

Breast Unit Events (BUE)

Oooh, while I think about it, Susie and I also in the process of organising our next event to raise money for the Breast Unit. Keep your dairies free on evening of Saturday 30 Sept...more details soon....

Monthly jabs - how much??

I've had my monthly jabs again.  However, as ever, there was a story to tell....It's never straightforward is it??!!

I got a call about a week and a half before Easter asking me if I could change my Tuesday (after Easter) appointment to Good Friday.  I said I couldn't as I would be in Wales.  However, on Good Friday, I get a call from the hospital wondering where I am and whether I'm going in for my jabs on that day!  I bet they had changed my appointment before they called me thinking that I would be able to make it, and then forgot to change it back when I said I couldn't.  My original Tuesday appointment wasn't available now either!!

On Tuesday morning, when I was back at work, I was straight on the phone to them to book in and thankfully they got me in on Wednesday, but it was at 11am which is a pain for work (as my previous appointment was 1pm which was much better!).  Anyway, on Weds mum and dad picked me up from work and took me to the hospital.  Dad stayed in the Rowan Suite waiting room while mum and I went to the treatment waiting room.

They took my obs including my weight.  I've put on over half a stone since Christmas - HOW MUCH??!  Jeez....  when you've been the same weight for the last eight years or so, you really notice it.  I'm not happy about it, but I'm not surprised as my exercise has gone down loads but I'm still eating and drinking as much as normal!! OOOOPS....  I know I've got bigger things to worry about, but I don't want to end up like a jabba....something's got to give, but it won't be the eating and drinking, so it looks like I need to buck my exercise ideas up.  It would help if my back didn't ache so much!!! Grrrr.

Anyway, the jabs were 30 mins delayed, but these were the best yet (in terms of administration), I hardly felt them at all.  Actually the nurse had one of the trainee nurses watch the Zoladex implant as she hadn't given one before so she wanted to know what to do in the future.  She thanked me for letting her watch.  I said 'no problem, rather you than me!'.  I have no issue with trainees of any description sitting in on appointments or treatments as I'm just grateful that people still want to work in healthcare and the care industry.

Mum and dad took me back to work afterwards and when I got home that night, Timmy had bought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers because I'd been to the hospital and feeling a bit shitty recently.

Oh, and I'm not going to talk about this, but I'm just leaving this here....DRY... Another brilliant side effect of the treatment and menopausal symptoms.  Such fun (or not as the case may be!!).

Until next time my lovelies. xxx

Legacy....

...what do you want yours to be?

Yes, so I may have had some white wine this evening, but I was looking around our dining room which is filled with things that provoke certain memories,  and it started making me think about what I want to be remembered for....

There are trinkets from our travels in Mexico,  bunting we still have up from our recent Chinese eve, wedding pressies, Tim's 40th birthday pressies, cards from the christenings of my (non) god-children, pictures of our beautiful niece, Scarlett, a moai from Easter Island,  and a poster from the first Snowball.

Think about what your life means and what you want to be remembered for...

For me, it has to be being a fun, love-filled, singing, wife, daughter, sister, auntie, granddaughter, friend, non-godparent, who tried to make a difference by raising a smile and a shit load of money for a brilliant cause... Worcestershire Breast Unit.  Xx

Hola

Espana

Just back from five nights in Spain, whoop.

Timmy and I totally love Spain and have already visited quite a lot of it, although we still have more to explore.

Regular blog readers will know we wanted to go somewhere where we've been before so there was no pressure to 'do' anything.

We are not really beach holiday people, we always like to discover new places, foods, art, music, architecture, scenery, history etc, and we'd already done that in Alicante so we headed back there to, this time, simply enjoy its food, drink, sun offerings (including its beach!!).

Ciao

Scorchio

Chillin'

Yum

Cheers

Hot

An interesting read

Made it up the hill

Nuts

Chin chin

Churros con chocolade

During our time there, we walked, a LOT, and I was really pleased that I was able to do it as at the start of the year I couldn't walk to the top of the road, but I think that, coupled with carrying a small bag every day, meant that my back/sides has/have really started aching again. The plane probably didn't help either (although we did have three seats to ourselves there and back, boom).

Turning over in bed was really painful in my left side, halfway down my back, and I was getting a lot of aching (although white wine seemed to assist!).

This, however, did not deter me from having a good time and, as I said to Tim, I think I would rather suffer with some pain than have my spine cemented, but we'll see how we go with that one.....

Panic stations

The other thing that only happened in a really minor way was anxiety and panic.

I've suffered with anxiety and attacks my whole life, my earliest recollection of being out in a pub restaurant with my parents and brother and not able to eat anything, all stemming from a fear of being sick or having diarrhoea, mainly in public.

This came to a head when, at 21 and home from University, mum came into my room to find me trembling yet again and suggested I might need some help.  Little did I realise that there was something really wrong with me.

I have been having counselling on and off for the last twenty years, including cognitive behavourial therapy (aka CBT).  While it's always helped, it's never 'cured' me and I know now that I will always be living with anxiety and panic.  However, on this holiday it didn't take over me like it often does when I'm away.

I'm usually thinking, 'will this plane be so turbulent that I throw up?' 'what will happen if someone is sick near me?', 'when is there next going to be a toilet available?', 'will this food/restaurant make me ill?', 'will the heat make me feel sick?' etc etc.... You see the pattern!

However, this time it threatened to rear its head on a couple of occasions, once after we'd had a lot of red wine the night before which had given me the alcoplops and also a bit of woozy head, and the other after eating some fish.  But, do you know what I actually said to myself: 'Kate, you're dying'. Crikey - that's a bit of a statement, but it did really help me.  It's a bit severe I know, but I just felt really fortunate that I was in the position of being able to go on holiday.

On one particular occasion, while I was sitting by the sea, I thought about Lisa Lynch, the amazing author of a blog which I read a lot when I was first going through cancer called Alright Tit.  She was about three months ahead of me in terms of diagnosis and so I would read her blog to find out what was 'coming up' for me and to help me know what to expect.  We even had some email correspondence when I wrote to tell her how useful I had found her writing.

You will know Lisa if you watched the amazing 'C-Word' on BBC1 featuring Sheridan Smith (who Lisa asked to play her). Sadly, there is no happy ending as Lisa passed away over three years ago.  It rocked me when I found out her breast cancer had come back and was incurable and, at the time, felt incredibly lucky not to be in that position.

Sadly, I am now in that position, but as I sat on that rock, I was so grateful that I was still alive and still able to look at the sea and beautiful calming views, but felt sorry that Lisa is no longer able to.

The view from the rock, thinking about Lisa

Rio

While Timmy and I were in Spain I know that Rio Ferdinand's documentary 'Being mum and dad' was aired, following him as he comes to terms with grieving the loss of his wife to secondary breast cancer and raises their children in her absence.  I want to watch it, but I'm scared.... I know it will upset me immensely as it has already made me think about how those around me will feel when anything happens to me, but I feel a need to see it.

Too much thinking

Recently I heard some wonderful news about a young breast cancer survivor who is now pregnant. I'm so chuffed for her.  However, I won't lie and say that, deep down, it didn't affect me.  Also, I feel pained that I will never be able to say, 'I've survived 10 years post-cancer' like when we celebrated at the first Snow Ball when Suze had her amazing milestone (and was one of the main reasons we hosted the SnowBall in the first place)...that is no longer an option for me and it's total cack, but, come on Kate, pull it together....

Celebrate good times, come on...

Today, Timmy and I celebrate six years of marriage, our 'sugar' anniversary. The weather is exactly how it was on that day, bright and sunny with some white clouds, and daffodils surrounding us.

Yippee

Me, flowers, Tim, beer - nice

The parents

Our beautiful bridesmaid

What have we done today? Spent time with our amazing friends eating sausage sarnies and walking in the Countryside Centre, done the holiday washing (er, not so rock and roll) and weeded the garden, so tonight, feel free to raise a glass to me and, as we all know, the legend that is Timmy B. Cheers.

Until next time......